Chasing Emerald /h.s

Time flys.

The sweat trickled down my neck, as I relived the same scene over and over again. My heart aced when I saw her eyes again, I didn't even realize I had a heart left after all these years. The lights. The crying. The I'm sorry's. The it will get betters, you don't understand how many times I've heard that one. It's funny because people say if you hear something over and over again you start to believe it. Yeah. No, it's not going to get better, ever. I messed up and it cost my mothers life. I wish I could go back in time, but I can't. I can't ever bring her back, believe me I've tried everything, even taking my own life to pay for what I did, and to maybe be at peace with the monsters in my head constantly tell me to take the pills, to slice my wrists, to put up the rope. I was so close to ending this nightmare of a life, when he found me. It's something that replays over and over again, I'm constantly reminded of how I'm so pathetic, worthless and worst of all how I'm a killer.

I felt a something wet placed onto my head. My eyes fluttered open to the feeling, the familiar ocean blue eyes on mine. Catherine my step mom, well apparently she's supposed to be my new mom but I don't think it's legal because she's ten years older then me. Her permanent smile placed on her perfect skin. Dads still not around much but more so now because of mom 2. Luckily I don't often see them lately, but since the little incident a year ago everyone in the house has there eye on me.

"You still having then?" Mom 2 said with a slight frown, she touched my cheek gently but I jumped at the sudden affection, hurt flashed through her blue eyes, as she pulled her hand back, not wanting a response she suddenly pulled her handbag out and started digging through it, she pulled out a little piece of paper and wrote a number down.

"What's that for?"

"It's nothing, now listen I'm going out of town for a couple of weeks. Don't go to any parties. Don't do drugs. Don't even smile to often," I let out a fake laugh, at her failed attempt to make me smile I feel like I've been all too fake latley. Fake laughs, fake smiles, faking my whole existance, she blew a kiss and walked out of my room, she's always been there, but never here, if you know the difference. she could never ever replace her, we cleared that up last year when, Katherine let it slip that she was my new mom. Let's just say I returned home three days later, with black eyes and little fat left on my body.

I got out of bed and slowly stumbled to my bathroom, I stripped out of my cloths to examine my bear body in the mirror, my once shining emerald eyes, were dull and lifeless. I just don't feel anymore, in the beginning I felt too much the pain, the sadness, the grief, the feeling like the death was my fault, that I think I've run out of feelings. I just feel empty like all the hurtful things people used to say about me, it used to hurt me but now I just don't feel anything and that's scary, terrifying in fact, that I'm so used to it.

I've always been a great actress, hiding my feelings away from everyone. Nobody knows about me blaming myself, if they did, I don't think I would live through the speech about how it's not my fault, but in reality it's all my fault. Nobody knows about that night. It's amazing what a fake smile can hide from our selfish generation.

The bullying started after that dreadful party, and my moms death. Casey spread vicious rumors, called me names, told me to kill myself and being the naive 14 year old I was I believe them, I never talked to anyone, all I did was go to school for education. I never had any friends, until I moved to a different school when I was 15. Everything was great I made a few friends, we hung out and for once in my life I felt like a normal teenager, I ignored my past and pushed it all away, until a little over a year ago, my walls came crashing down I thought the nightmare was over but then I was reminded of her. How I killed her. I wanted to die, I didn't sleep, I pushed all my friends away. I was so finished with life, it just wasn't for me.

January 21 2015
Was the date that tried to commit suicide, I carved its my fault on the tree where I lay thinking about how I was going to die. I placed twenty five pills in my hand, just as I was about to chug them down with a bottle of vodka,  somebody grabbed the pills out of my hands and threw them on the ground, he started yelling at me and asking me why I was going to do it. At that point he was crying and I just sat there shocked that someone actually cared enough to help me. I obviously had to give him an explanation, but nobody said anything about saying it all, so all I said was that my mom died. I didn't tell him about me blaming myself because I don't think I can handle another long speech about how it's not my fault, from that day forward Nick and I were inseparable, literally, he wouldn't leave me alone incase I decided to do something stupid like that again. He was actually my neighbor and our dads were best friends in high school, small world.

I wiped the odd tear that fell from eyes onto my pale skin. I jumped out of the shower realizing I was late for my weekly session at the psychologist. I wrapped a white towel around my petite body and walked into my white bedroom. My walls were white, my bed was white, my cupboards were white and my soul was black. Ironic. I dropped my towel looking in my draw for my underwear, I put my underwear on and a pair of black skinny jeans with a black crop top and a black jacket, with my black converse. To much black? I looked in the mirror at my reflection. Once the acne cleared, I lost my braces last year, bought contacts and learnt how to dress my age I didn't look half bad. I didn't usually wear makeup except for a little mascara and lipstick, that was as far makeup took me.