Home Alone.

sHe // zAyN

I've heard from more than just a few people that I've changed quite a bit since the break-up, from the way that I talk and behave to the way that I treat people. Sure, I'll make super inappropriate jokes around family and I'm not the tidiest person by far. But since it happened and I moved back to my mom's, I've realized how much of a complete dip shit I was for the past year.

I sort of cheated on the girl before we even started dating. We were talking to each other and then people would come in my ear and give me reasons not to date her and I listened no matter how stupid they were.

"Daniel, don't date her, man. You could do so much better."
"She doesn't even deserve you."
"She literally has the flattest ass."
"Sure, she's got boobs but she's a complete bitch, dude."

She wasn't a bitch to me.

But because I listened to the crowd, I passed up the first pretty and sweet girl to actually come to me first so that I could try to get some.

I invited a girl over to my house one night only because she screamed easy and the next day, I went to school with hickies. When a mutual friend of the sweet girl and I came up to me, I said they were birthmarks. The mutual friend told the sweet girl and she was furious.

I went to the sweet girl at lunch time and she was sitting on a bench by herself. I told her,

"Hey, I know you're mad. I'm really sorry. Look, here. Hit me. I deserve it."

At that, she slapped the shit out of me. I told her that I would go over to the easy girl's house that night and tell her that I wasn't going to see her anymore.

When I went to the easy girl's house, we made out. Again. After I promised not to.

The sweet girl was so upset and the next day, when she walked to me at school, I got afraid. Needless to say, we worked it out and started dating. But it kept repeating.

I kept making these fuck ups that I figured could just go unnoticed for an entire year.

Maybe if I ask this girl for nudes and delete the messages afterwards, everything will be fine.

Maybe if I look at that girl's ass in front of us, she won't notice.

Maybe if I get drunk tonight, I can act sober when she calls.

Maybe if I'm friends with this girl that I said I wouldn't talk to, she won't find out.

Maybe if I send some pictures of my dick to a few people, she won't find out.

Maybe if a girl kisses my cheek, she won't find out.

Maybe if I just close my eyes for a second while she's telling me this story, she won't realize that I'm super tired and falling asleep. Just for a second...

I always told her that I would or wouldn't do things and it always became untrue. Before the relationship even started, she told me that every guy before me had fucked her over and I told her that I would be the change. "The only exception", as she would put it.

But how can we improve upon our mistakes without an actual loss?

So many times, I made mistakes and told her I would change. And of course, she always came back. But I lost her and realized what it was that she wanted all along.

She wanted me to love her as much as she loved me and I do, but now, it's too late. But again, how can we learn if we do not lose?

"She doesn't even deserve you."

No, I suppose she didn't. She deserved better.