Home Alone.

bE aLrIgHt // aRiAnA gRaNdE

On February 10, 2015, I uploaded a rough version of my first original song to YouTube because I was so excited for everyone I knew to hear it.

At that time, I was going to church twice a week and was looking into pursuing a degree in ministry so that I could become a pastor and spread the good ole' word of God.

I was on the stage, singing every Wednesday night to the youth group at the church that I was attending. I left my phone in my pocket the entire time and gave the pastor my undivided attention as he told us what we needed to know to get through the week, as he would say.

And when I wasn't at church, I was either getting my homework done or writing little raps about everything that I believed Jesus had done for me.

That rap isn't on YouTube anymore because a time came where I slowly but surely became embarrassed by it.

In March 2015, I visited a close friend of mine to record an original song that we planned to release to the public later in the year.

When my close friend made contact with me on August 22nd and said that he wanted to release the song the next day, I told him that I wanted no part in it because I was embarrassed that I had recorded something so "nonsensical" and "amateur".

Of course, he did end up posting the music video on YouTube and it's still online today, with only 250 views.

And now, rather than find myself embarrassed, I find that song to be one of my greatest accomplishments because I felt that was one of the first things I had ever done to truly make someone proud of me.

When I went to school with those hickies that I talked about, not a single soul could believe it.

This guy - who hasn't had a girlfriend the entire time that he's been at Hancock High, who goes to church twice a week and rarely ever mutters a curse word - comes to school with these hickies? No way.

Eyes were cast down upon me.
Heads were shaken.
And many people were disappointed.

So you can only imagine how those same people felt when I lost my virginity less than two months later.

"What you'll have to understand about me, dear, is that I am a deeply unhappy person. But let me ask you this simple question:

Can you tell?"

Lately, I've made it a big point to smile in front of everyone. Everyone deserves positivity so I try to spread a bit in their lives every single day that I live.

But if nobody is around, that smile will disappear so very quickly.

And my mind will wander over to absolutely any negative thought, no matter how small, and spread it entirely across my brain.

I'll find something to remind me of a terrible mistake I had made, and I'll begin to beat myself up emotionally over it.

This happens because I see how much change has occurred in my life and behaviors since March of 2015.

I went through my longest relationship. I lost friends because of my lying and cheating ways.
I asked multiple girls for nudes whilst in the relationship.
I left my mother's home for about a month and treated her like absolute shit for a long time before that.
I tried to die.
And I picked myself up from the wreckage, only mostly.

And yet, I still make some of the same mistakes occasionally.

A month ago, I planned on meeting up with a girl just to get high and fuck because I personally felt like I wasn't doing anything with my teenage life and I simply missed the idea of feeling wanted.

I canceled because it was obviously not the right thing to do but if I learned anything throughout that entire year-long relationship, it's this:

I may be able to recognize that I did wrong and that's good but I still did it and I'm not actually doing anything to improve.

I still lose my temper and lash out occasionally towards others who don't deserve it.

I still make mistakes sometimes and I always will because I'm only human.

But I see that I do wrong and I realize that what separates me from now and where I was in March of 2015 is the fact that I'll actually put in effort to improve now because all I can do to improve is simply try.

And after I remind myself that improvement only takes effort, the tears have come and gone and a smile appears.

I remind myself that everything will be alright and proceed with spreading absolutely nothing but love and positivity.