fireworks. (royce)

k

You are the drought, and I'm the holy water you have been without.

"Chresanto, what happened last night?"

I looked at Elijah from where he was standing in front of the bathroom door. Ray was sitting beside me, wrapping a bandage around my wrist.

"I can do that by myself" I whispered, looking at him through dull eyes. "You don't have to do it".

"No, it's okay" he reassured, "I don't mind".

"Chresanto?"

I glanced at Elijah and shrugged, "I skipped on my medicine... I have to clean the sink".

"I'll do it" he stated, "where is the cleaning spray?"

"Underneath the sink in the cabinet".

I watched him walk into the bathroom and begin to clean up the mess I had made. Elijah shouldn't be doing that, I should. I made the mess, I clean it up. Jacob would clean up my messes too sometimes and it made me feel extra bad because no other boyfriend would have to do that.

"I don't think you should be living here by yourself" Ray murmured.

"I have Leo".

"You know what I mean, Chres. Don't you think you'd be better off if you were living with someone? What if things just get extra rough one day and you... You do something you can't come back from?"

"I wouldn't do that, not yet".

"You say not yet like it's not suppose to concern us" Elijah said loudly so I could hear him. "When is not yet going to wear off? I don't want to walk in here one day and you're on the floor not breathing".

"Why do you guys care?" I asked, I wrapped a blanket around myself, wondering if I could sink deeper into the couch. "You're Jacob's friends".

"Just because we're Jacob's friends doesn't mean we can't be your friends too, Chresanto".

"Yeah, we care about you just as much as Jacob does".

"Did" I corrected, picking at my bandage, Ray gently slapped my hands until I stopped. "Jacob did care about me".

"He still cares, Chresanto, you know that, right? He talks about you all of the time".

"How come he never comes around here with you guys? Huh? If he cared so much then he would come around, but he doesn't, so he doesn't care... Or is he too busy praying for me instead?"

Jacob was religious, we used to go to church on Sunday. I went to church with him because he would often invite me, but I wasn't very religious. It was hard for me to praise and worship a God who purposefully chose to make me feel like shit.

Everyone at the church would always say that God did things for a reason, but it was beyond me why he gave me a mental illness, out of all of the people in the world, he chose me. I mean, I wouldn't wish my illness upon anyone else, but it would be really great if I didn't have one.

I often remember sitting beside Jacob in one of the many pews, his hand holding mine as we listened to the pastor talk about sins and forgiveness. People had an option to go into the confessional box and I went.

I talked about Jacob and how I felt bad for being so draining, and how I knew I was probably going to go to Hell for hurting myself and eventually killing myself too. I felt like I was already in Hell though, so it didn't really matter to me.

I drifted away from church, I couldn't continue to go if my belief for God was fading. Jacob never forced me to go with him and he never threw his religion in my face. The last day I went to church was the day the pastor pulled me aside and told me that killing myself was a sin because I was beating God at his own game.

If that is the case, then God cannot always win.