Captured // A Winter Soldier Story

chapter fourteen // demons

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"And I don't blame you dear, for running like you did all these years. I would do the same, you'd best believe."
-Stubborn Love by The Lumineers

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bucky's point of view

"How much do you remember?" Steve hesitantly asked, his arms hanging stiffly by his side as he stood a few feet in from of me.

The word remember sent a pang through my chest. I don't remember. Not much more than blurs, anyway. There were just pieces, fuzzy voices, distant echoes. Parts of a past life that was now foreign. I had been trying to remember for a long time, had been trying to break through the barriers of my own mind in a futile attempt to recover anything that would help me figure out who I was. I had yet to really succeed.

I didn't know what to say. Steve- he was here- really here- but after all this time, after all these years of suffering apart and then suddenly being thrown together, I still hadn't thought of anything to say to him. I don't think I really deserve to say anything anymore. I'm not the same person I was back when we were kids, and if I pretended to know him the same way I did then, I'd be lying to his face. And I couldn't live with myself if I did that.

So, I was trapped, again. Just like how I've been trapped for the last seventy years.

Will I ever truly be free?

"That's hard to answer," I finally replied, my voice soft and hollow. I played with my hands and avoided his gaze. It was silent for a little while. I heard Steve take a few steps and then sit down on the couch in front of me.

"I can't pretend to know what you've been through. I don't know your pain or the full extent of what happened to you while you were held prisoner. But I don't expect you to be who you were before; I just want to know what I can do to help you be free again," Steve said softly.

I released a breath I didn't know I had been holding. His words comforted me- he didn't expect me to be the same person I used to be, nor did he give me his pity like I was some wounded animal. He didn't focus on my past, he focused on my future. I was so glad that he didn't want anything from me- mostly because for the first time in a long time, no one wanted to use me for something.

"Just...I need some time. Maybe the memories will start to come back," I settled on. He gave me a weak smile and I continued. "And thank you for letting me stay here. It means a lot."

"Of course, Bucky," he said, reaching forward and patting me on the shoulder. I didn't even flinch. I even gave him a small smile.

"I have an extra bedroom in the back, next to Reyna's room. I'll take you there so you can shower and change. My clothes will fit you," Steve said, and again, I was struck by his utter kindness. He didn't demand any answers from me at all, deciding to instead wait for me to come to terms with what I'd been through and tell him in my own time. It wasn't something I was used to and I nearly choked up.

But I swallowed the gratefulness and instead followed him down the hall, and into a small room beside a door I assumed led to Reyna's room. It comforted me to know that she'd be close by. After looking out for each other for the past few days, the idea of suddenly being separated gave me anxiety, as I feared both her being unsafe and myself being alone.

Steve showed me the bathroom and the room, telling me to make myself at home.

Home. What a foreign word.

When he finished giving me the short tour and went to leave, I did something so incredibly out of character that I scared myself- I hugged him. I embraced him tightly, shaking, and hoped he would be ok with the contact.