Captured // A Winter Soldier Story

chapter fifteen // guilt

✮✮

"Couldn't quite see what the future held, and as days went by, it would tell itself. Let it struggle just a little bit more."
-Let it Go by The Neighborhood

✮✮

reyna's point of view

The next morning, I woke up curled into Bucky's side. His grip on me, even in his sleep, was just as tight as it had been last night. He was warm and smelled like Steve's shampoo.

Looking at him, I found it strange how something could be so deadly, so capable of snapping someone's neck and ending life, but also so incredibly gentle. He had been hurt beyond belief but he hadn't lost his soft touch.

I moved my head from his shoulder to the crook of his neck, incredibly comfortable in his arms. Sunlight was streaming through the windows and the clock read 10:03 AM. I wasn't quite sure where our relationship was going at this point- as it was currently somewhere between keep me safe and how can I make you stop hurting- but I was content with how things were at the moment, so I decided to let them be for now.

We laid there silently for another ten minutes before Bucky started to stir, his eyes fluttering open and a sigh escaping his lips. For a brief second before he noticed me he simply stared at the ceiling, at peace with himself. Then his brain woke up fully and he remembered everything he's ever done, and his eyes turned heavy.

But then he put on a smile and turned to face me, the pain in his eyes lessening a little bit as he shifted so we were face to face. He rested his metal hand on my prominent hip bone.

"Morning," he greeted softly, his morning voice rough and scratchy. I smiled sleepily.

"Morning."

"I take it you were able to finally sleep?" He asked, and I nodded.

"Yeah. You slept like a log, though. Was that the first time you've slept without a nightmare since Hydra?" I questioned hesitantly, not wanting to overstep my bounds but curious as to whether or not it was true. His eyes darkened a tiny bit.

"Yeah," he replied. "I think it was also the first time I've fallen asleep without being frozen first in at least a couple of years."

My chest deflated when he said that. I know he's been through unimaginable horrors, but hearing him mention it, in such a flat, hollow voice...it adds a whole new dimension to the pain. I rested my hand on his neck and rubbed my thumb across his soft skin.

"I know how hollow the words I'm sorry can feel sometimes, but I'm sorry," I muttered. He smiled a little bit.

"Let's not talk about it, ok?"

I nodded, accepting his decision to deal with his trauma in his own time. I had a million burning questions about his past, how much he remembered and what, exactly, he'd been through, but they could wait. His happiness and well being meant way more than the answers to my selfish questions.

After a couple more minutes of enjoying the comforts of a real bed, Steve called to us that breakfast was ready. We stumbled out of bed and down the hall in sock-covered feet, padding into the kitchen where an entire feast greeted us. Natasha and Steve were still in their night clothes, a white T shirt and navy sweatpants adorning Steve while Natasha sported a sweatshirt and running shorts. Steve gestured to the food on the table.

"Pick out whatever you want," he instructed, giving me a pointed glance- though I couldn't tell if the look was to make sure I was still ok after the events of last night or to make sure I ate at least half my body weight in food. My question was answered when Steve pulled me into the living room before I could grab a plate, just out of sight of Natasha and Bucky, who'd struck up a conversation. Steve looked weary, and he pulled me in for a tight hug. I hugged him back, squeezing his waist to try and comfort him. He is constantly worrying over his friends, and the moment he sees one of them was hurting, he always gets anxious and stops taking care of himself until they are better. I doubted that he gotten much sleep last night after he heard me screaming bloody murder down the hall, and I wish he'd stop beating himself up so much for things that weren't his fault.

"Are you seriously alright?" he asked me once he pulled away, concern etched into his eyes. I nodded.

"I'm ok. I've just been through a lot and I'm trying to learn how to cope with it," I answered. His eyes darkened, much like how Bucky's did a few minutes ago when I brought up Hydra.

"What, exactly, did they do to you, Reyna?"

His voice was soft and caring, pure emotion leaking from his words. I think that the idea of losing another close friend to Hydra absolutely terrified him. I didn't want to tell him what I'd been through for fear of making him feel worse, but I could never lie to him, so I just sighed and began to explain.

"I...they wanted answers I couldn't give them. I wouldn't talk, since I didn't have anything to say, but they assumed I was just holding back information so...they tortured me. I...I got whipped twice. They drowned me and hosed me down a few times. They only fed me twice while I was there, and I was there for about a week. They did a bunch of other stuff too, but...I'd honestly rather not go into detail," I summed up, staring at Steve to gauge his reaction.

He looked devastated, which I knew was going to happen. He feels guilty because he thinks that if he could've stopped me, could've figured out that I was going to run all those years ago, that he could've prevented me from going through this. He gave me a look of pity before his eyes drifted to my back, and he raised my shirt enough to glimpse at the scars that surely littered my flesh. I heard him inhale sharply and felt him run his fingertips lightly over the wounds.

"Jesus, Reyna..." he breathed. I stayed silent, staring at my hands. He withdrew his finger from my spine and pulled my shirt back down, wrapping his left arm around my shoulders and leaning his head on top of mine.

"I am so sorry that I wasn't there for you. I should've followed you, I should've known that you were going to leave, I-"

"Steve, no," I interjected, cutting him off. I pulled my head out from under his chin and forced him to look me in the eyes. "There was no way you could've known what was going to happen and there's no way you would've found me. The nightmare I had last night wasn't your fault either. Please stop blaming yourself for things you can't control."

He looked remorseful. I stood up and pulled him up with me.

"Listen. Nothing in life is ever certain. You never know what's going to happen at any given time. You never could've predicted me leaving, just like you never could've known that Bucky had actually survived that fall, all those years ago. You can't beat yourself up over things you have no control over and there's nothing you can do about things that happened in the past. All that matters is I'm here, and you're here, and Bucky's here, and we are all alive and safe and okay for the time being," I said, grabbing his hand and squeezing it tight. We'd had similar talks many times before, as Steve got really low sometimes, but this one was different. This time, there was a feeling of guilt eating away at my insides, because when I left he probably got to one of his lowest points- but I hadn't been there to help him.

A soft smile erupted onto Steve's face and he nodded, his eyes lightening up a little bit as he kissed my forehead and took my hand.

"You're right. Thank you."

I smiled, and after a few moments he led me back to the kitchen, the tension lifted from his shoulders for the time being. He grabbed us a couple of plates and we piled them high with delicacies from Rogers' kitchen, taking a seat around the table with Bucky and Natasha. For the first time in a long time, my stomach was full, I was with my best friend and I wasn't in immediate danger. It was a welcome change. I was home again.

But I was distracted as I thought of what I had said to Steve. I tried to put trust into my own words, but if what I had said about not beating yourself up over a past you can't control was true, then why did I still feel so guilty for leaving him alone for all that time?

✮✮

"Remember what the people said- when it's said and done, let it go."

✮✮