Eliza's Open Diary

5-28-16

All I need is more than one friend that I can't talk to. I just want more friends but I actually think that's too much to ask for.

I've watched all my former friends turn into rich snob popular people and I'm the only one who hasn't. I wish that I could make friends as easily as everybody else. I love being alone but I want to know that I have friends so if I feel lonely in a bad way that they'll be there. I want someone to actually worry about me. I want attention. I want everything that I never got. I'm just so jealous of the people that everybody know. I don't want to be known as the awkward shy girl that has no friends like last year. I want this year to be different.

I don't understand why but I need drama in my life in order to feel some what important I guess I create it sometimes.

Like with Octavia and me, I avoided going to her house but that's also because we have to be doing something in order for it to not be awkward and we never really talked. After Jaquan committed suicide she told me she was sorry and offered to hang out at her house I thought we were going to talk about it but it never came up once.

I want a friend I can talk to like that and not just Serenity not that I'm not grateful and here I am having to convince myself what I'm saying isn't what it sounds like. I just seem so fake to myself.
I think I might be on the verge of depression cuz I never seem all that happy anymore. I need school to balance things out.

I love being the smart one but Renee gets that title. I love being the artistic but Renee also gets that title. Michelle is the obvious favorite. Karin's the one who gets all the attention and everything she wants. I don't know who I am in this family. My mom wants me to be the techy but I don't understand that stuff. I don't know who my dad wants me to be. I just want to feel important and needed other than just another hassle in this family.

I want to talk to Michelle about all of this but idk how to bring it up. I don't want her to interrupt what I'm saying until I'm done saying what I'm saying but then again that's too much to ask for.

I'm honestly waiting for someone to find this and read it so I don't have to confront them myself.

Electronics separate me from my family and that's why I'm always on them. I love my family but it's all too much or not enough. I only really talked Serenity this year over the summer and I hate myself for it. I wish I had a social life. But I don't.

If I tell my mom or dad they'll just think this is just teenage hormones that I'm feeling. But I've always felt this way. I know some kids have it much worse than I do but there's nothing I can do about that other than offer moral support.

〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰   Sorry for any spelling errors or anything. I won't publish anything on a schedule. Please tell me your feelings about this. Thanks for reading- Eliza