Eliza's Open Diary

7-15-16

I wrote this a little while ago and thought I should share it. As you can tell I write these when I'm mad, sad, or frustrated, so they'll be a little dramatic.
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I don't know how much fricken longer I can take this. I was telling Karin about how absolutely helpless and hopeless I feel. How she and Renee took any sort of recognition away from me. Of course I want to be noticed, I'm not sure anybody doesn't.

She turns my little rant around and back to her poor story about being the youngest. I swear she is the most self absorbed self obsessed person I ever have and ever will know. I've lost hope in her becoming a decent person. If she wasn't my sister she would be one of those girls that I hate because how fricking jealous I am of her. She has everything she wants and more.

That's one of my problems jealousy and self hatred. I hate who I am and I wish I could have anybody else's life. Sure that was dramatic but that's how I feel.

Yes I can draw and paint some but Karin and Renee get so much more attention for anything they do than I ever will.

"Ya sure Eliza didn't get a single b all throughout her whole school year and just wants a simple reward like maybe an ice cream like what parents do when their children do something like that but Karins been begging to do gymnastics lately so let's give her what she wants even though she doesn't do any chores or anything helpful around the house unless it benefits her in any way so ya lets waste our money so our brat daughter can have a better childhood than Eliza did because y not. Let's let the middle child grow more mature than Michelle even tho she's a couple years younger. Not like she has anybody to hang out with or do anything with so let's just make her do some chores while our goddess children Karin and Renee do whatever the frick they want" -Mom and Dad

Ya I know there's kids in Africa who have it much much worse. I just don't think that they'll ever have to feel like this and that's the good thing. Because I'm done with this. I want to not be the good girl anymore but I can't help it. I'm such a people pleaser that every body hates.

Once Michelle leaves it's gunna be Karin and Renee hanging out together all the time. I'm the whose going to do all the chores.

I honestly can't wait for school because I won't have to be around them constantly. That's y I'm on the computer so much because I just hate having Karin back talk to me like she owns me. If she would just shut up for five seconds I would use that time to strangle her.

I just want to make my dad proud of my art or something but I don't want him to treat me like some average teenager because I've seen things that would scare a 30 year old.

The only one who pays me any sort of attention is Michelle or sometimes mom. But both of them interrupt and say it's my fault for being so selfish by blaming them. I wish that I could inflict my emotions onto them so they'd understand. 

I can't do anything and not get crap for it or any patronizing comments. I'm not a teenager. My mind is so much older than my body is yet nobody knows.

I just feel like my sisters will only accept me as a sister and that's it. They'll pretend to want me as a friend just as a money resource so they can do things with out me and each other. I just can't do this anymore.

If my family reads this they'll patronize and tell me how great of a person I am but that's just because their trying to convince themselves that it isn't their fault for doing this to me. I wish I had the guts to do anything about it. But I don't have guts. I don't have anything inside of me. I'm a hollow person with endless tears. Yes. I'm sobbing. I can't stop crying. These are tears of sadness, self pity, frustration, and hate.

I was actually considering sending this novel to my mom but she'd tear my head off because of how spoke of Karin and Renee. One side of me says screw it. Screw it all and just don't give a crap about anything that happens because of this. The other says that if I do this I'll get in so much trouble and I can't get in trouble. It'd break me if I did.

Don't u dare tell me how much I mean to u or how I do great things or how I'm a great person. Don't give me sympathy or any of that crap because they don't matter to me. They won't make a difference in my situation.