Diary of an Insomniac [Collection of Poems]

History Repeats

I keep trying to keep the flashbacks at bay,

But they just refuse to stay away,

I won't feed this addiction- if I feed it, it'll stay,

And I'm not ready to lose today.

It's been two years since it started,

It's been six months since I bled,

Now here I am again in November,

Flashbacks begging me to remember.

I don't want to remember, I don't want to be scared,

I don't want to again convince myself no one ever cared,

The thoughts that talk are coming back,

Louder and louder, I'm feeling whack,

I don't want to lose my mind again, I've had it back for so long,

But it seems like my only choice is to remember how I'm wrong,

I keep thinking back to that day in February,

When I almost left my family and Mary,

Elbow to wrist, elbow to wrist,

Every inch of skin slit,

Sitting in the passenger seat of a parked truck,

Wondering what happened to all my good luck.

I lived through and was in therapy two months later,

But that ended and I was just left with this crater.

You can't do that kind of damage and live,

And never realize any kind of consequence.

I didn't think the PTSD would ever be something I'd see,

I knew what it could do, I knew it was true, I knew it's deadly,

But I can't get help, my mother left me,

My father left long ago- no one's here to see.

As winter comes in, I can wear long sleeves all the time,

No one would know, except those that read my rhyme,

This poetry would be where I vent, just like last year,

Why do I feel like my relapse is near?

I want to care about myself again,

I don't want to return to that destructive sin,

I've made it clean for so long...

Said I'd never do it again, how could I be wrong?

It seemed like no one would understand,

But I knew I'd live, I had it all planned,

I'm scared, my friends,

I can feel the end,

Death's waiting at the end of an empty hallway,

His broad cold arms reminding me I'm welcome any day.

I fought off these demons long ago-

But there's a new one here and he wants to know,

'How can I take you down?

How can I get you into the ground?

I'm the one that stole away your dad,

Now I'm here to drive you mad.'

But then again, I can't fully push away the memories,

Not because they're pressing in- but because they're part of me,

The darkness, the depression, it was part of me,

And that's something I'm frightened to see.

I can't accept that it's winter again,

Is that why I always hated the cold?

It's usually November when I return to the sin,

That tries to kill me before I can grow old.

If he couldn't fight it with all the help in the world,

What hope is there for his lonesome little girl?

Mental health waning, this operation is complicating,

Blade serating, and it just continues raining,

And raining, and storming, storm, and rain,

It's all too much, I'm going insane,

This is the only real place I can release this to-

I'm in desperate need of someone new,

Because nobody could ever quite understand,

How it is to feel pain caused by your own hand,

To remember all the times you cried alone at night,

Just begging a god you don't believe in to make you alright,

And even if I told them, they can't help,

They'd have to take me somewhere else,

We can't afford that right now, so I'll take a bow,

And remind myself to never let it take me down.

I'm stronger than this,

I'll live longer than this,

History repeats, enemies return,

Sometimes I'll lose, but some of them will burn.