Diary of an Insomniac [Collection of Poems]

Fine.

Something feels so odd,

As if some part of my brain is turned to sod,

Is this life? Is this real?

Is this what it feels like not to feel?

I remember a day a little over a year ago,

When I realized all my feelings had been stored away,

So I put on a private little show,

That was quite a bad day.

I cried and silently screamed, my companions a knife and the moon,

I put that knife to my skin- I just wanted to feel something, and soon.

They say that pain is there to remind you you're alive,

I haven't felt that pain since May, day 25.

I remember it like yesterday- the last time I cut.

I thought these memories would fade, but I still feel like I'm in that rut.

Was I lying all this time,

When I said I'm okay, I'm fine?

Is it because lately I've spent so much time alone?

I haven't a clue, but it chills me to the bone.

Just thinking about going back to those dark days,

Falling back into those oh-so-depressing ways.

Only a few hours ago I looked at my wrist, at the scars there,

It was hard to believe at one point I treated myself with so little care.

Yet now, only a few hours later, I'm down again,

Someone, please someone, tell me I'm going to win.

So far it's only me who's telling a success story,

But what if that story is about to once again become gory?

Third time's the charm, they say- third time's the charm.

I wonder if that applies to the concept of self-harm?

Because I was addicted, then I was good, Then I was addicted, then I was good.

This time trying is successful, as successful as I thought it would.

But what if that success ends?

Say goodbye to all my friends...

But third time's the charm could be another way to think-

You sink, you swim, you sink, you swim,

Then if you sink again, you can still swim and win,

But what if you just sink?

I think I might just be tired of nights alone.

I think I'm tired of fighting this battle on my own.

I thought when I threw down the weapon, the fight was done-

Why can't I just live and have fun while I'm young?!

Is that too much to ask of this broken, crumbling world?

Can I believe in happiness, like I did as a young girl?

When did happiness become a belief, not a feeling?

All this feeling has got my head reeling.

Maybe I need coffee, maybe I need new friends,

Maybe I need new music, maybe I need a boyfriend.

I don't know, I can't know, I'm too young, or that's what they say,

But they also said I'm not alone- they're not the one's who'd notice if I went away.

I can't be honest about my feelings with these people, they don't understand,

And besides, I don't want to burden them, or cause them intents to reprimand.

Because when they hear I'm sad they just get mad,

They tell me to try harder, that it's not that hard to be glad.

I have the shadows of my past forever haunting my broken mind,

And they expect it to be easy to just leave it all behind!

I'll show them, I will-

Someday, when I'm a musician of wealth and skill,

In the award show, I'll thank myself,

Toss their love onto the shelf.

But I can't do that, I love them, they're my family.

They've been through the same situation, but not the same things-

They know what happened, but haven't felt my feelings.

Because me, I'm so young, still growing, still coming together,

And them, they're older, they won't live with it forever.

They had themselves formed and rock solid while I was just a sprout,

So when everything went back, all my logic went out.

This isn't how I wanted to spend my new year.

So I'm cutting this off here.

I'll be happy again, no matter what it takes-

No matter how I hurt, or how my heart breaks-

The process will be long, but in the end, I'll be fine.

Not happy, not glad, not okay- just fine.

A/N: Happy New Year everyone! I haven't posted a poem in a while, and I didn't mean for my next one to be this depressing, but... I just... Feelings. Rough night, for no good reason. :c

Anyway, happy new year, and I hope yours is a good one! <3