Disclaimer: trigger warning.
Josh actually makes me feel happy,but I still feel sad and lonely even when he's right there.
Josh & I have became best friends over the months.
Yes,months.
It's been 3 months since we got set up together and I'm sure it's making me worse. I mean,he's a great guy,but I don't feel anything different or special.
Today was my first time seeing Mrs.Wilson since the set up.
I sat in the chair and sighed.
"How's it been going?" The lady asked.
"I mean,we're best friends now," she nodded. "But..I don't feel different."
She knitted her eyebrows together and looked at me like I was strange.
"Why not?"
"I have no idea,honestly."
"How do you feel now?"
I looked down at my hands and back at my therapist.
"I'm emotionally damaged."
.
.
.
One.
Two.
Three.
I pressed the blade of my razor against my arm carefully.
I hissed at the pain,but felt satisfied watching the blood drizzle.
I looked at myself in the body length mirror.
Fat.
Ugly.
Worthless.
I cried softly at the sight in front of me.
I hated myself. I hated everything.
The way I look and talk.
I hated everything.
I looked at my door,hoping no one would come in.
Four.
Five.
I was about to make a sixth cut as I felt dizzy and nauseous.
.
.
.
*Josh*
I've been staying at Amber's for a few weeks now. I've told both of them about my mother and how she gives me a hard life. Amber's mom lets me stay at their place now.
Since they were letting me stay,they told me I could have the guest room as my own bedroom. So it's not a guest room anymore.
I decided to design the room like my dream bedroom.
I hung 80s records on the wall,Polaroids pinned to the door,and a lava lamp next to the twin size bed.
I looked around the room,satisfied by the design.
I nodded at myself,feeling proud.
As soon as I was going through my old band music,I heard a loud noise next door.
I knew it was ambers room and quickly rushed in there.
The sight I saw was..terrifying.
"SOMEONE HELP!" I screamed. I ran over to Amber and looked her over.
"Oh my god." I whispered,running my hands through my hair.
Ambers mother rushed in quickly,and fell to her knees.
"WE NEED TO GET HER TO THE HOSPITAL!" I yelled,holding Amber close to me.
Her mother just cried at the sight.
"NOW!" Her mom soon got up and called the ambulances.
.
.
.
I sat in the waiting room,nervously waiting for a nurse to come.
I was sitting all alone. Her mother was in the back with her. I couldn't stop shaking or crying.
I thought I was about to lose my best friend.
My only friend.
;
After about 30 minutes,a nurse finally came out to us.
"You can go see her now."
I quickly rushed past the nurse and straight to the room.
My knees felt weak.
I felt tears stinging in my eyes as I studied her.
I sat in a chair next to the bed and brought it closer to her.
I didn't see her mother anywhere. I figured she was talking to a nurse,calling family,or went to grab a snack.
I grabbed Amber's hand and squeezed it.
"I don't want to lose you. I don't want you to go. I don't want this. I wished I could turn back time..just to save you in time."
I felt her hand twitch and squeeze my hand.
I looked up at her with teary eyes.
"Josh?"
Her voice sounded faint,almost a whisper. Her eyes were barely open, but she could still see me clearly.
I smiled and nodded.
"Yeah..its me."
She sat up slowly and looked confused.
"Hey,lie back down." I leaned over and pushed her gently down.
"Am..am I in the hospital?"
"Yes you are."
I heard footsteps behind me but didn't care who it was.
"Oh my god,you're awake!" I heard her mom say.
Her mom hugged her but Amber was still confused.
She looked at me and softly touched my jaw with her finger.
"You're crying. Why?" She was so weak,her voice sounded like a sick 6 year old.
"Because.." My voice croaked. "Because I thought you weren't going to be in my life anymore," I deeply sighed and squeezed her hand again. "I thought I was going to lose my best friend."
Amber slightly smiled and mouthed it'll be okay.
Soon her eyes started drooping.
I felt my heart beat get faster.
"She's just resting,Josh. It's okay." Her mom rubbed my back as I looked at my best friend.
"I'm just scared."
"I know. We all are."
