Butterflies- A Michael Jackson story

"Peter Pan"- Chapter 15

Saga's POV

Michael closes the door and leaves me alone in the big hotel room. I've never before stayed at a hotel, let alone a hotel as luxurious as this one.

The big panorama windows and balcony is only the first thing you see when you open the hotel door. Showing a breathtaking view of New York. The city's so beautiful at night with it's tall shining buildings and the never empty streets. Always filled with different kinds of people and cars. I could never get tired of this view. There's always something going on, always something too watch.

The rest of the room isn't worse than the panorama windows. It got almost identical furniture as Michael's room. A white clothed couch,TV and TV Table infront of a big heavenly bed. The bathroom directly to the right when you come into the room from the hallway.

I don't want to keep Michael waiting  so I think I better go and shower. The clothes and essentials that Michael's assistant got me have been placed in a nice bag on my bed. I lift up the bag and empties it's content on the bed.

Some grey sweatpants, a white T-shirt, white lace bra, undies, black jeans and a white blouse. His assistant has great taste, this is exactly the clothes i'm comfortable to wear. I see that she also has bought me some makeup. A nude lipstick, black mascara and a slightly brown/pink ish blush with some golden glitter in it. There's also some deodorant and shower things.

I take the grey sweatpants, the underwear and white T-shirt and the shower essentials with me too the shower. The bathroom is the biggest bathroom that I've ever been in. It's almost the size of my whole apartment. There's a long white sink and a golden framed mirror at the left wall and a big white bath, toilet and a shower at the other side of the bathroom. Both a shower and a bath? This is too much I think to myself as I start smiling.

I feel guilty for letting Michael pay for this, but it was him that convinced me to stay for tonight. I could have just taken the bus home, no problem.

I put the clothes on the sink and start to get undressed, slipping the red dress over my head leaving me standing in my underwear infront of the mirror. I've always felt uncomfortable showing my body infront of other people, especially in underwear or bikini.

There's nothing wrong with it really. Well,  I wish I was curvy with bigger boobs and butt, but that's something I can't change.  I just don't like attention on me generally so getting attention while i'm half naked is something I like to avoid. A women's body is so sexualized nowadays with all these beauty ideals. That makes it even harder for me to accept my body and to be comfortable in my own skin, even though I try everyday.

I stand in the shower for a long time. Letting the hot water soak my skin and drown my sorrows. I can't believe I passed out. My anxiety attacks have never been that bad before. It was so scary waking up and not knowing where I was or what was happening, but it felt a little better when I realized that Michael was there by my side, holding me. It made me feel calm and safe even though his touch made me feel dizzy and the speed of my heart multiplied by 100.

The thoughts that caused by anxiety attack starts to slowly poison my body again. Creating a lump in my stomach and tightening my chest, making it difficult to breathe. I try not to think about it again, I don't want to pass out in the shower. Oh god I defiantly can't do that, it wouldn't be a pretty sight if Michael started to wonder what took me so long and came to see what I was doing and found me naked in the shower. I start to laugh at the thought as I try to block out the bad thoughts.

I don't even know why my anxiety got so bad that I passed out. I mean of course I wouldn't get happy if Tatiana and him started dating. But I mean, I can't really demand Michael to be with me? Do I even want Michael to be with me? I've only known him for like a day it's not like i'm in love with him already. It's probably just the fan part of me being jealous of him and Tatiana. I think...