Butterflies- A Michael Jackson story

"Alone in a dark apartment"- Chapter 17

Saga's Pov

"I try and tell myself

"you're not alone"

yet when I get in bed at night

my sadness envelopes me

rather than my blankets

and my head is propped up

by a monster of thoughts

rather than my pillow

and by the weight in my chest

it feels as if the mattress is lying on top of me

rather than the latter

and all I know through

this confusion

is when i sit up

and take a look around

the only person there

is me

and the only person who cares

is me

and the only person who understands

is me

and

gosh,

am

i

alone"

g.h.

I cry all the way home. Waiting for the bus. On the bus. Walking to my apartment. I've never felt so helpless. I want to spend more time with Michael, it hurts to know that I can't and that there's nothing I can do about it.

My crying earns me confused, angry and sorry looks from the people I meet. I don't care. I just wanna go home.

When I get off the bus I start running towards my apartment, I just want to be completaly alone. So I can fully express my sadness. It takes 10 minutes and when I finally open the door to my apartment I throw my bag on the floor, take off my shoes and throw myself on the bed. It feels like ages ago since I was here. Yet it's only been 2 days.

I can see the little light on my voice mail blink red and I lift myself up on my elbows to see who's called. Hoping that it's Michael. I get surprised when I see that I have 43 messages, all from the same number. Julia. I feel guilty when I remember that I haven't even called her since the concert night. She must think that I've been kidnapped or something. The guilty feeling gnaws at me, but I just can't bring myself to call her back right now. I don't feel like explaining everything to her.

I need to grieve. And that's what I do.

I stay in bed all day, crying. Only getting up to go to the bathroom or too get food. I turn on the TV but can't focus on the show, but keep it on since the sounds make me feel less alone. All I can think of is Michael. I wonder what he's doing right now. He has probably already forgotten all about me. Maybe he's with Tatiana.

When the clock hits 7pm I'm so exhausted from all the crying that I'm ready to go to sleep. I'm too lazy to change to my Pj's so I just rip my clothes off and jump right back in my bed in my underwear. Letting my head rest on a tear soaked pillow, the apartment almost completely dark. I slowly fall asleep with the only sounds and light coming from the TV that I couldn't bother to turn of, and my continued sobbing.