Essays, Etc.

Notes, Etc. (Trigger Warning)

I found myself considering what to write in my suicide note the other day, and I’ve discovered that it’s a much more stressful endeavor than it seems.

I always thought it was writing out how sorry you were, listing names, what they meant to you, etc.

It’s way more complex than that.

At least, it is for me.

First, I didn’t know how to start it. “Dear?” Who would I even address it to? “Dear Family?” No, too inclusive. “Dear Everyone?” No, that’s weird. That sounds like a song by a bad emo band. “Dear Fuckers?” No, I have to stay classy. Even in death.

I decided that I wouldn’t start with “Dear.” It was too weird, and it would make everyone uncomfortable. They’d already be uncomfortable enough.

No, I had to just start if off guns blazing. I had to be smart, witty, dark-humored, and make everyone who I wanted to feel like shit feel like shit.

But I couldn’t make it angry. No, that wouldn’t be proper. I had to make it just bitter enough to leave an effect and emotional enough to linger in their heads. Like, “Wow, her suicide note was amazing. I’m so glad I read that.”

I thought about including advice, but then thought that would be too bizarre. Why would you take advice from a dead person, let alone one that killed themselves? It obviously didn’t work for them. That’s like taking dieting advice from a four-hundred pound woman.

Plus, what would I leave advice on? Relationships? I have no experience. Moving past bad experiences? I obviously did a good job with that, considering my corpse is sitting in a garbage bag in the other room.

No, fuck advice. I have none to give.

I thought about maybe leaving them with a parting thought, like third-graders end their book reports. Except, this would be the way I’d end my life.

“What would you do if you were me?”

“In conclusion, my life is shit. Now it’s up for you to decide if you agree!”

I threw that out the window after a while.

I thought about ending it in a way that would make me sound like a badass, but decided it sounded too pretentious:

“Call me Caesar. Call me Caligula. Call me a hero. Call me a villain. God knows I deserve it.”

No. Too pretentious.

I thought about ending it with “End quote,” but figured that would be too dark-humored and offensive for some.

So I left the ending alone. It would end when it would end.

Then, to the body part of the suicide letter. Do I list people individually? “Mom,” “Dad,” etc.? But when some were longer than others, would people get offended? Would they think I’m an asshole, or that I didn’t love them? I loved all of the people I would put in the letter- fuck the rest of them.

So that’s what I decided to do. I would list people, in no particular order (so I would say), and then describe how much I loved/loathed/moderately-enjoyed-being-around-them-they-were-okay-I-guess-ed them.

I thought about adding a fake surprise:

“Surprise, I was a drug dealer this whole time!”

“Surprise, I’m not actually dead!”

Then I would get up and do a little jig for the family, and we’d have a good laugh.

But I never did it, and, in a few ways, I suppose my pretentious ending was the most accurate.

I am like Caesar.

I’m too proud to let people see me die.

I will be shot down, murdered, stabbed, but I will not let anyone see.

I will not be the downfall of myself.

At least, not yet.