Essays, Etc.

Self Esteem, Etc. (by @NinJustin)

Being insecure and having issues with your self-confidence isn’t fun. Frankly, I don’t see how anyone doesn’t. For those of you that somehow don’t, let me try to explain it.

Say you bump into someone in the hallway, right? You just say “sorry,” and continue about your day, like nothing happened. If I had bumped into the person, I would say “sorry,” and then proceed to worry about how that person now hates me and is going to tell the entire school that I’m a douchebag that runs into people in the hallway and everyone will hate me.

Chances are, he didn’t even notice. 

If I’m glancing around the room and see someone even looking in my general direction, I immediately try to figure out what I’m doing wrong that’s causing them to look, even if I’m not doing anything wrong. But that’s the thing: in my mind, I’m always doing something wrong. How I’m walking, how I’m talking, how I’m standing – it could be the same way as the dude next to me and I’d still beat myself up about how bad I am at everything.

Every time someone looks at me, I worry about all the bad things they see. “Jesus, Justin, you’re too short, you’re not skinny enough, your voice is fucking annoying.” All of that goes through my mind when I’m in public, even if no one is looking at me.

For about two and a half years I was teased about many of the things mentioned above, plus other topics. That definitely didn’t help , and I think it might have been one of the reasons these issues began; I certainly wasn’t like this when I was a kid. I think it all really started when I began sixth grade – the first year of middle school/junior high. I didn’t really have that many friends, and people didn’t really like me. By the end of sixth and the beginning of seventh grade, I was truly afraid of other people; both because of my insecurities and because, well, I don’t know why. I just developed an anxiety and fear around other people, particularly large crowds. But that’s a different story entirely.

I was finally starting to go through a sort of good period last year. I was the lead in the play, I had lots of  friends, and the depression was seven starting to lighten up. Things went good for awhile, and I would even go as far as to say my issues were gone for a little bit. When I started dating one of my best friends, I would say I was a completely normal kid for my age. I wasn’t overly self-conscious, I wasn’t really afraid of people anymore, and I wasn’t as depressed as I had been throughout seventh and the beginning of eighth grade. Towards the end of the year, my issues were gradually starting to return; I still thought I was doing really good. I had a crush on this girl since sixth grade, so the fact that she found anything about me attractive made me feel like I was on top of the world.

On the last day of eighth grade, the last day of middle school, she broke up with me. Her reason: “You aren’t confident enough.” I still don’t get how she could say this, because I told her about all my problems. She’s one of the few people I’ve ever fully explained it to, and she knew that.

That started a huge downward spiral. Thankfully, I had a few months of summer vacation, so I didn’t have to be around a bunch of people in public every day. My friends convinced me to hang out sometimes, but things weren’t the same. I was quieter than usual, and I think my uncomfortable-ness  and, well, fear of the public places and the people was more apparent. They noticed. They thought it was all over the break up, and they didn’t get why it did so much to me. I didn’t feel like explaining the whole reason to them all.

By the time this year started, I was a little better. I still have all the worries I had before, and they might be worse now. I still worry about what all the people think of me, and now I’m having reason to doubt my acting, which is the only escape I ever really had. I know there’s worse things to be than really insecure, but there’s definitely better things, too. Sometimes it gets so bad I feel like I’m going to break down in the middle of the hallway. I’m not friends with many people, which is possibly because it’s hard for me to trust anyone because of all this. The anxiety and fear that people bring doesn’t help, either.

If you’re like me, just know, it *can* get better. You’re probably sick and tired of tired of hearing that, but it *can.* I won’t say that it *will,* because I can’t guarantee that, because part of it is up to you.

You just have to put on your smile, say “fuck you” to the thoughts in your head, and not worry about the guy you bumped into in the hallway.

Chances are, he didn’t even notice.