Uncovered Secrets

Faking

"Demi?" My mother knocks on the bathroom door. I'm sitting on the floor, wide eyed, and rocking back and forth. I feel crazy. I look at my wrists and see the bloody cuts. "You in there, honey?"

"Yeah." I say quietly.

"I have to go to the grocery store and then I have a hair appointment. Will you be okay alone?"

"Yeah." I repeat. A few minutes later I hear the door shut. I pull out my phone. Kevin doesn't answer but I don't leave a message because I don't trust myself to speak more than a few words at a time. Next I dial Marley's number.

"Hey Dem." she says.

"Marley." I sob into the phone.

"Demi? What's wrong? Are you at home? I'm grabbing my keys, okay?" I just keep sobbing. Ten minutes later she's here, and uses the key I keep in the flower pot above the door (I told her where it was on the phone) to get in. "Demi!" She calls, running up the stairs. I reach up and turn the lock to unlock the bathroom door. "Demi..." She gasps when she sees me. "What the hell happened?" I don't say anything, I just slowly lift my arms and show her my wrists. She puts her hand over her mouth and stares at the still dripping blood.

"I'm sorry." I whisper. She wraps her arms around me.

"What did Kevin say?" She asks. I lean my head against the door.

"I haven't told him. And I'm not going to." Marley stares at me in disbelief.

"No, Demi, you have to tell Kevin." I shake my head.

"No. I can't, okay? I just... I can't. And you can't either." She nods reluctantly and then stands up and offers her hand. She told me to take a shower and brought in some clean clothes for me to wear, singing while looking through my makeup and hair accessories. I think she just didn't want to leave me alone. With the blades. With any pills we might have in the bathroom. I'm silent the whole time, though. I'm scared if I say even one word, I won't be able to stop. When I get out she hands me a towel and sits on the ground, polishing her toe nails a pretty light pink. She wrinkles her nose when she's done.

"Yeah... Nail polish isn't really my thing." She then takes it off, and by then I'm fully dressed. "Are you sure you're not going to tell Kevin?" She asks quietly. I nod.

"I'm sure." She sighs, but then nods and takes my hand.

"Okay. I'm really glad you called me, Demi."

"I don't know what I was thinking when I did... that. But Marley... Before I was feeling crazy. Like the world was choking me, burying me alive. But when I did it, everything was clear. It felt... okay. Like for once, everything would be okay." Marley looked at me. "I don't expect you to understand. But please don't tell me I'm crazy."

"I won't. I know you're not crazy, Dem." I smile.

***

Kevin and I didn't talk at all the whole weekend. He called me multiple times but I didn't answer. On Monday, he came to my house to pick me up, but since my mom was at work, I had to answer the door.

"Hey, Demi. You weren't answering your phone so I didn't know if I was supposed to come." His tone is flat, and it breaks my heart.

"I'm not going to school today." I say, crossing my arms. He looks up.

"Why?" His voice is no longer flat, instead it's concerned.

"I'm sick." I lie. I can see him deflate when I say that.

"What did I do?" I sigh.

"You didn't do anything." My voice was cold, even though I really just wanted to wrap my arms around him and tell him I'm sorry. But I knew I couldn't.

"Why the hell are you shutting me out? I care about you, Demi. So why are you ignoring my calls? Please just tell me what's going on." Kevin's eyes are pleading.

"I'm sick." I repeat. "Just go. Please." He nods reluctantly and turns and walks back to his car. And then he leaves.

***

I went to bed after that, and slept the whole day. I awoke to soft knocking on my door.

"Mom?" I call weakly. The door opens and Kevin walks in. He sits down on my bed and just looks at his hands.

"Can I see your wrists?" He asks quietly. I stare at him.

"What?" I ask.

"Can I see your wrists?" He repeats. I sit up and look closely at him.

"What the hell? No, you cannot see my wrists! What's going on, Kevin?"

"What's going on is that this is the most you've talked to me for days!" He yells.

"I'm SORRY Kevin! But I've been sick. And I need rest." He just looks at me, and then puts his head in his hands.

"This relationship isn't going to work if you don't trust me enough to tell me when you're hurting yourself."

"I am not hurting myself!" I scream. Then I glance at the clock. 3:30 p.m. Mom's still at work. Kevin grabs my wrists, and I panic, and try to pull away; but it's no use. He stares at them and I know he sees the scars. They're only a few days old.

"Really?" He asks. "You're not hurting yourself?" He drops my arms and I stare at the cuts. He lets out a sob and I look up at him.

"This is why I didn't want to tell you. Because I knew you'd be so upset and I didn't want you to have that burden on you." He shakes his head.

"Dem... You're worth so much more than what you think." He says quietly, almost to himself.

"Kevin..." I don't know what to say. And neither does he, so we just stay silent. And then, wordlessly, he kicks off his shoes and lays next to me, wrapping his strong arms around me.