Opening Up: Non-Fiction Stories about Give and Take, Volume 1

Chapter 16 "Being Selfish" - by J.P. Henning

Being Selfish

Let me start off by introducing the guy I fell head over heels for, his name is Blake McAdams. He was somewhat buff, almost someone you could find off of a magazine cover. Alright, maybe not off a magazine cover but somewhere near that, he had beautiful green eyes, bushy eyebrows but it didn’t distract me from his sparkling eyes. His hair was golden brown to a brunette colour and it would be in-between a messy hair look and a ‘I did my hair very nicely today’ type. Blake was surely taller than me, it’d seem like in the morning he would just throw random clothes on and walk out the door... but he always looked so put together even if it was just a plain v-neck and dark washed jeans.

It all began with me being caught in lust... I was all tangled up into varieties of feelings all at once but I sort of had the main idea of how I was truly feeling. The idea I had on my mind of how I was feeling was when you can’t decide on what you want to do because you’re so “love struck” over a guy.

At first, I admit that I was very giddy that he chose me to ‘like’... he made me feel like I was the centre of the universe. I remember how he would always jokingly kid around with me in class and in the hallways too. I’d always get in trouble for laughing or talking to him during class, or it would be the other way around. Even the stories I’d tell my friends about what kind of conversations that Blake and I had, none of them believed it because they were way too dandy. My friends could even see through his fake personality but I couldn’t, how despicable of me. The smallest things he did would just automatically make my day, no matter how silly or goofy it was. I took it as if he would be willingly act like a clown just to make me smile from ear to ear. Soon after, I realized that he was starting to be that one guy that was too good to be true. His attention was mostly based on me and I felt like I had to only be under his control, which was definitely something I did not like. The feeling was being trapped under someones control and having to be forced into something you wouldn’t approve of. That for me was a turnoff because in life, no matter whom I marry, my King would always be the one and only, my dad. The guy I would marry could be my Prince, never be my King. I had already had someone with that title as a placement in my heart.

Moreover, things between him and I were going great but then regret started kicking in... that regret made me feel like I was stupid and idiotic for even thinking that I should try my hardest to go for him hoping something would happen between us. It was as if he was ‘ashamed’ or embarrassedto be around me. Of course I didn’t like that feeling, I mean, who would want to feel like you’re being unwanted by others? About a week after him and I hung out, rumours had been passing through the hallways that we’ve had sex and other imaginary things. Guess what? It was all a lie. I was convinced that he had been telling his friends that and he thought he’d be able to rebound it on me making me seem like the sh*t talker of the school. My reputation was starting to fall since those rumours that “I” started with me involving Blake. The rumours went like this, “Wow look at that female dog! How low could she get?” or “She should keep her mouth shut, no one wants her here, damn she’s a gardening tool.” Everyone just chose to believe him rather than me, thanks to that I found out who my real friends are.

From all of this, I learnt that I should’ve listened to my intuitions and I should’ve told myself to not go in this direction because I know later on somehow, I will be hurt. I should’ve also listened to my friends as well because they’ve especially experienced a situation exactly the same. At first, the consequences of this was nothing because he really did truly make me happy but now I know I made a mistake.

Lastly, I’m glad that everything is starting to calm itself down a bit but still going on... the name calling continues. You know how people say that actions speak louder than words? That’s how I feel. For me, I’ll get over it because it’s what your actions do that makes it matter even more. Throughout this whole situation, I’ve experienced that it was one of the first few times that I’ve ever cried so hard in my life.