Opening Up: Non-Fiction Stories about Give and Take, Volume 1

Chapter 17 "Selfishness"- by Buddy the Elf

Selfishness

I sat in my bed thinking over the events that happened today. I was bright and cheery all day long. My face seemed to have a natural glow, my cheeks hurt because of constantly smiling and even my eyes seemed to sparkle when smiling along with me. It felt truly amazing, being happy for the first time in what seemed like a century. I seemed perfectly content with everything. I was happy and it was pure bliss. I felt superior against others, nobody could wear down my happiness. Thing is, deep inside, I knew it was all in my head. I’m constantly telling myself that I’m a happy person content with my life but I’m not. Was I trying way too hard to make myself seem jubilant? I should by happy with my life. I have shelter, food, clothes and all my wants. I’m simply an emotional wreck. Why am I not satisfied?

            I needed to stop over thinking everything, it has become profoundly harmful for me. There is only one escape that can be done effortlessly. That was sleep. Being unconscious isolates myself from reality, I stop thinking about everything. I didn’t want to think of all those events and emotions that I wanted to quickly obliterate. Unfortunately it was a temporary escape that wasn’t very effective. Every morning I’d still have to wake up and face this cruel world.

            My eyes slowly fluttered open as I was awoken up by my alarm. I didn’t even realise that I feel into a slumber. It was a dreamless sleep. I was able to sleep peacefully despite my dilemmas.

            I walked into the dull grey doors of my school. It was a brand new school, actually. I got to my small locker, got my books needed for classes and proceeded to the classroom full of people I wasn’t very fond of. My brown eyes scanned the room to find my “friends.” Their eyes were fixed on my as they attempted to whisper to each other without me knowing. I was naïve and blind, not being able to see the fact that they stabbed me in front of my eyes. Why didn’t I say something about it? Why didn’t I do anything? I’m stupid, that’s why. I smiled at them as if I wasn’t aware of anything and continued on in class normally. Was I being paranoid? I don’t know because I felt as if everybody hated me, as if I was the friend they secretly hated. But guess what? I am. I didn’t even notice my surroundings or how I behaved because my mind was occupied with so many thoughts that couldn’t even be put into words. It’s ironic how the only one that I thought would always have my back seemed to be the one that was willing to stab me in the back out in the open. It’s funny how you think you know everything about somebody but they turn out to be the complete opposite.

“Hey, what’s wrong,” asked one of the girls that I was acquainted with. I was rapidly snapped out of my daze. Soon enough tears welled up in my eyes, threatening to roll down my cheeks. I started to feel that familiar lump form in my throat. Those words were like a fire, burning down my wall so easily. The wall I created was to protect me from anything. It was easy for me to hide behind it. I was emotionally weak and I absolutely hated it. I cried over everything. It made me feel weak and vulnerable. Crying was useless.

“I’m fine,” I weakly stated. My mood wasn’t exactly the most positive one to be in during this occurrence.

School seemed to have passed by hastily. I strode home anxiously, wanting to feel the warmness and comfort of my own bed. I was exhausted both mentally and physically. While walking home, I noticed how beautiful the scenery looked. The fresh glistening snow looked like it was carefully placed on the ground, the sky was pale blue with little clouds in the sky, the sun was shining brightly and the air seemed so fresh. It was a good distraction from my gloomy thoughts.

I arrived at home in a short amount of time. The warmness radiating from my home and wrapped itself all around me. I stripped my jacket, gloves and tuque off and proceeded to my bathroom. I examined my reflection, looking from head to toe. What was wrong with me? My eyes seemed to only be able to point out all of those flaws that I deprecated. I swore I could have felt my heart sink deeper. I needed a better escape to my pain, an effective one. My whole body tensed with a jerking motion.

“That isn’t a good idea, think of all the good things in life. Don’t they outweigh the negative things,” one side of my mind questioned me.

“No, wouldn’t you want a permanent escape from everything? Something to ease you from all the pain?” another voice in my head taunted me. Suddenly, I panicked. What choice would I make? Was one of those two choices really worth it? One choice seemed to lure me in more. I wanted to be free from everything including pain. They say that you have to feel sorrow before the happiness, but where is my happy ending? All I’ve felt was pain and despair. I was emotionally torn apart.

I jumped up, locking my decision into place. If I didn’t do it now, I’ll never be able to. I went to the kitchen and grabbed a metallic silver chef knife. It was now or never. Just as I was about to thrust the sharp tool into my soon to my wounded skin, I heard a voice plead, panic clearly dripping from those words. I felt as if that tiny voice inside my head was back.

“Please, don’t do anything. Have you ever thought about the people that love you? What do you think would happen if somebody, a family member sees your dead body, lifeless on the cold ground? Regret. They’d live the rest of their lives thinking that it was all their fault. Because you believed that you were in pain. Do you really know what true pain feels like? People suffer so much more than you do and are fighting so hard to simply stay alive. Yet you’re still willing to throw away your life just like that. Suicide, it’s selfish. Don’t ever make permanent decisions to temporary events. It might be raining now but just wait a bit. A rainbow will come your way. Just please, don’t do anything stupid.” my conscious mind seemed to be expressing to me all of this. I was speechless, my mouth was completely dry.

Why didn’t I think of this before? How clueless could I have been? I had so much to live for and I can’t believe I just realised this all just now. Once again, my actions and thoughts were blinded by pain and thoughtlessness. I just sat there, my shoulders slumping down into a hunch and I cried all my tears and emotions out. It wasn’t too long until I fell into a dream. I dreamed about life, my future. I knew I had something to live for.