My freshmen year of high school, my mother received a call because I tried to kill myself and I needed to be admitted to the hospital immediately. I have never seen such a sadness in my mother' eyes like that. That night my older sister sat with me in the hospital bed and told " I don't ever want you to in a casket. I don't ever want to see you in this hospital bed again." I never seen my sister cry before then. My sister walked out of the room so my brother could sit with me, and all he could manage to get out was, "why?" Hospitals and suicide are not beautiful. I talked to an old friend last week, we lost touch due to me moving two states away. She told me she had to get her stomach pumped because she tried to overdose and poison herself with four bottles of alcohol. I remember when she used to spend the night and we used to always talk about how we would always be there for each other. I failed her. Overdose and alcoholism are not beautiful. My Junior year of high school, I had a best friend who delt with anorexia and bulimia. I'll never forget the night I spent at her house and hear her throwing up. She was crying and kept telling herself to stick her fingers down further. When she came back into her bedroom, I held her for a long time and told her I loved her. We both cried and a few weeks later she went for treatment. I haven't seen her since. She first went away, her mom used to talk to me about it. I saw the same type of sadness in her eyes, like in my own mothers. Eating disorders are not beautiful. My cousin shot herself in the head on the 24th of August two years ago. I missed three days of school. When I went to her funeral her mother hugged me and thanked me over and over for attending. I shouldn't have been there. None of us should have. The seats in the funeral home fled and there had to be 50+ people standing up because there was so many people. Funerals and caskets are not beautiful. During my third hospital visit, I had a roommate that was absolutely gorgeous. I was so envious. She told me she was mad at herself for not cutting deeper. I told her I'm glad she didn't. As soon as the words ran off my tongue, she lunged into my arms. After a very long time and emotional hug, she told me her mom didn't love her anymore. Utter sadness is not beautiful. Please take your romanticization and glamorization of self harm, and eating disorders,and committing suicide, and alcoholism, and sadness ,and shove them up your ass as far as you fuckin can. This is not beautiful. But, you know what? You are, and it's about goddamn time you start believing it
