so starters I'll talk about RWBY, chaps haven't been going up daily like I said and i haven't written about anything else either. so actually this sums up the whole reason why nothing's been updated. I have been in a shit feeling state. to be more clear I want to lay in a hole and die. I feel like I'm losing friends, I'm becoming more distant with people that I like, things have been going down really. so to counter that I've been on steam, it's a pc thing, to kinda help that feeling. Games just kinda take me out of the world and i get to meet friends. However today that didn't really help.... I felt like I was in the way alot cuz someone was trying to be a dick and tell me and others to kill ourselves and stupid shit. well we already know my state of being, so I replied in a harsh way saying stuff like "Hey dickweeed, I know mama never loved you but don't need to take it out over a game" things like that ya know. anyway at some point it had risen to me saying I had cut, you can't see it on my arms cuz I didn't cut there. not my leg either, I cut the inside of my mouth so no one could see. anyway it had gone so far that I shut him up and he felt bad, he actually felt bad! but for some reason talking about all this stuff makes it worse. I get to feel so bad about myself I kinda stopped talking in the game chat with my friends. they don't know I was like that until a few hours ago, so one friend personally messaged me and she tried to help. I dont like help, it makes me feel worse somehow, like I feel useless so people have to stop what they are doing and help me. it just doesn't feel good, but time passed and we moved to cs:go, I swear if I need to say what this is than I'm sorry but there is no help for you, and i just didn't know what to think. I was worst on my team for competitive mode with like 10 and 21, something like that anyway. I was bottom of the team and I'm new to the game, I'm only like level 3. so I dont have many guns that are good and I'm pretty bad. I have no idea but I just couldn't help but sit there and wonder why they even play with me. I think I get so attached to games is cuz I like the fact you can leave the world and be whatever. kingdom hearts was my first game I ever played on the PlayStation 2 and to me I loved being whatever I wanted. being gone and going world to world was the best thing I could ever want. Games helped me through third grade to be honest. now I know what youre thinking "how DoD games help you?" well.... I was bullied alot in third grade, I cried every night begging to my mom cuz I didn't want to go back. my mom had me skip days every time she had work off, but the school didn't want me to leave. the principal was really nice and she didn't want me to leave, but finally after months of battling the school i finally left. I do miss one thing about that school and that was my art teacher. not art class, my art teacher. he taught me alot of stuff, like things you'll need in life and just small stuff. remember how if you got in trouble in school one kid apologized and you were supposed to say apology accepted? to him that rule was bullshit, he was the first person to really teach me things like it's ok to not forgive, but to hold that anger and take it on someone is not ok. so basically he said "hey you don't have to forgive someone. just don't take it out." to me that was literally the best, I know it sounds dumb and I've gone from topic to topic, it's like I have add holy shit 700 words? where was I? oh yea so basically games are like a second nature, it helps a lot for me and in fact games take people places. people say that they don't but look at YouTubers, game developers, game testers, MLG players! they take you places but people hate to admit it because they think while they have a real job these people don't do anything. they actually do alot. but I won't go into detail, but I'm not saying a gamer has the same hardship as a doctor. I'm just saying games can take you places. almost took a couple of friends and i to a gaming tournament. we didnt go because we played black ops 2, bo3 was the new tourny and so was Xbox 1, we played 360. that is what stopped us from doing that as a team. I'm not sure how one guy is doing now but I know my friend right now is in YouTube. I love him to death he's my brother, the biggest thing I saw so far was he got 6k likes on a video, 6K! I know where the other guy is now that I think of it, he's probably with his brother who plays tournaments and he is doing alot of football and working hard on acedemics. then that leaves me... a nobody with a couple friends, not popular, low self esteem, and has nothing to show. someone tried pointing out I had wattpad, don't get me wrong I love all of you but here's the thing, my writing skills aren't the best and this won't take me anywhere. now I've heard some books do get published on wattpad? I'm not exactly sure, but I wont reach that level. holy crap 1000 words. I've only written for like ohhhhhh.... I uuhhh have been writing awhile. but ummm, I'll try and start posting things soon again, I'm not gonna tonight cuz its kinda late and i want sleep. it's 11:30pm where I live sooooooo I should get some sleep. but I kinda just went on a rant and i don't on what made me think I should go on wattpad and write, but I did so there's that update. anyway everyone, I will see you next time, love ya!
