if you read my books then you'll probably know I've been gone for a long time. Whelp I'm not in the mood for anything right now, lately I just kinda wanted to lay down and die. nothing fun and no ones fault. I just don't see why being an adult seems so cool to anyone. That shit has been scaring me lately. Cuz If I don't go to college ill be in debt for student loans, and it will take awhile to get a good job to start paying that off. I don't go to college, I'm looked down on by my family cuz they expect me to be what they couldn't be. but if I don't go then no debt for college but I have to deal with a low paying job or one that requires alot of work for an ok paycheck. It's kinda kept me up and i don't tell anyone about this because, I dont see a point. I just deal with life and i found out something the other day. it's called like existential or something like that. it's a feeling you get to where you think that life doesn't matter cuz your just on a rock hurling trough space and your gonna die one day. I didn't know that was a feeling, because that's my everyday mood. then it got me thinking, why do we look for an answer to life. if we knew that would just make us try and follow that way and accomplish that purpose, instead of following what we want. so I thought maybe there shouldn't be an answer. because what if the answer was to live in a good house, have a good paying job, and just live the high life. well some people can't do that so what's their answer for life? so I just look at it as there is no answer. why do we need an answer as humans for everything? what's this? what's that? what's this do? we always need an answer so it just seems needed to find the answer to life. but what if there isn't an answer to something? we are lost. at this point I'm ok with being lost going in circles over and over not knowing everything. just something that I needed to write out. GNIGHT, luv you all
