And Who Are You? e.d.

"He just didn't like life, I guess." -5

A/n: trigger warning- depression/self harm/suicide

"Um, where to start off.." I trail, thinking about the seemingly distant memories. "Let's see, when I was 10 years old, I heard my parents in their bedroom talking about something called depression. Since I was so young, I didn't know what it meant. But, I listened in anyway. I heard my dad tell my mom that he was depressed and that was the first time I had ever heard my dad cry. My mom told him that we'll get through it, together. I heard her start to cry too. So I went and looked it up on the computer, and I couldn't believe it. My dad was sad? All the time? I didn't understand. I didn't want to. So, I did what I do best, I ignored it."
"Zoë-" I put up my hand to stop him.
"Fast forward a year or so later. I heard fighting coming from my parents room, so I went to go listen. I didn't know self harm was a thing until I saw through the crack of my parents door my dads side. Burn marks, everywhere. My mom was screaming at him about how that's not okay and my dad wasn't even phased by it. I began crying and I think that's what made my dad cry. They heard me from the hallway and my mom yelled at my dad 'You hear that Christian? Your DAUGHTER is upset by this!' My mom then walked out of the room and held me. I asked her why my dad hurt himself, and she told me it was because it made him feel better." I feel a drop of water land on hand and I look up at the sky. It's too clear to be raining so?
"You're crying, Zoë."
"Oh." I take a minute to wipe my face and adjust my thoughts.
"Fast forward another year. Making me about 13-14. I had just come home from school, and I heard a bunch of glass shatter. I run upstairs to see my dad throwing plates, glasses, vases at the wall. He was obviously drunk. I screamed at him and asked him what he was doing. He replied 'if I'm broken, I might as well make things broken with me.' And continued to break things. I ran into my room and sat in my closet and cried. About an hour later I heard my door open and my mom came into the closet with me. She sat next to me and hugged me. We fell asleep like that. I woke up to crying, so I walked into my parents room and saw my dad sitting on the side of his bed. I sat next to him and I hugged him. I told him that I loved him even if he didn't love himself. He told me he loved me too. That's when I realized, he just didn't like life, I guess."
I look up at the sky, shut my eyes and just breathe in.
"You don't have to explain anymore." He says.
"But I need to." I look at the ground. "A few months after that I was really sad one day. I remembered my mom saying that when my dad hurt himself, it made him feel better. So I went and found a lighter," I roll down the side of my sweatpants, revealing the side of my upper thigh. 4 small burns/scars in a row show. Ethan's eyes get wide for a second and then he looks out at the water.
"My dad walked in on me doing it. He literally collapsed to the ground and began to cry. He crawled over to me and took the lighter and threw it across the room and then scooped me up and hugged me. I began to cry and we sat there crying. He started apologizing, saying it was all his fault. After this incident, something inside him changed. He would stay in bed for days on end without talking or eating. My mom would beg him to leave the room. I went in once and apologized to him. Told him that it was all my fault that he was like that now. He sat straight up and looked me in the eye and told me it was nowhere near my fault."
I lay down, and take a deep breath in. "Sorry, I've just never talked about it."
He gives me a slight smile, "Take all the time you need."
"After that, he seemed to get better. He seemed happy. He would eat dinner with us, watch movies with us, go to the park with us, and even laugh with us. I finally felt like things were turning around. He even stopped taking his medication because he said he didn't need it anymore. He swore he was getting better." This time I can feel the tears start to come down my face.
"I heard my parents laughing and joking one night so I decided to listen in. They were telling each other stories and it made me smile. After a few moments of silence, I heard my mom say 'Christian, please don't ever leave us.' And my dad replied 'I would never, you guys are the light of life.' So naturally I thought things were back to normal and after 5 years of things being bad, they were finally good."
I start to cry non stop, but the words keep flowing out of me.
"On February 5th, 8 months in four days, I came home from school. It was a normal day. I went into the kitchen and got a banana. I yelled through the house to my dad that I was home, because he usually gets home an hour or so before me. He didn't respond which was unlike him, but I waved it off. I went to the garage because that's where we keep our frozen foods and he was there. Hanging from the ceiling. At first I stood there in complete shock, but when I realized that he was... I screamed. Louder than I had ever heard anything before. A neighbor rushed over and saw what had happened too, and called the police. She then called my mom and told her to come home. She tried to bring me into the house but I couldn't do it. I tried to get him down and that's when I found the notes. One for my mom and one for me. I still haven't read it. I hate myself for it, but I can't bring myself to do it. My mom at first was in shock, the first few months she was a robot. But then, then she read her note and that's when she went ballistic. Trashed our house in Alaska and we moved here. Said that we couldn't be anywhere that reminded her of him."
"Zoë, I am so sorry. I didn't know." Ethan scoots closer to me.
"No, it's okay. You couldn't have." I sigh, "That's the reason my mom is always breaking stuff. That's what my dad did when he got upset. She hates when I leave the house, she wouldn't even let me go to school because she thought I was gonna leave her forever and not come back. I'm all she has..."
"If I may ask, you still never explained why you tuck your hair behind your ear?"
I smile to myself. "Because whenever I would get nervous, my dad would tuck a piece of hair behind my ear and say 'Hold your head up high, show them your face and don't let them forget it. You can do it, baby girl.'"
"Oh, I'm so sorry for doing it that ni-"
I cut him off, "Don't be. You made me remember to hold my head up high. I guess I do it to try to remember him, but when you did it? It gave it a whole new meaning. It gave it trust." I looked him in the eye.
"I tried to tell myself I didn't trust you because I'm so scared of loving and being left, but I trust you, Ethan Dolan."
I lean in, "I trust you."
He leans in, wipes the tears off my face and kisses me softly on the lips. "I trust you too."