And Who Are You? e.d.

"They aren't who you think they are." -13

Shit. The paper. "I, um, is it okay if I just kinda freelance talk?" I say.

"Um, I mean you can. But you have to write it all down and turn in a paper copy." My teacher responds.

I pull out my phone and turn on the voice recorder.

"Um.. okay. So this paper was just a creative writing thing. I'm not gonna lie, I had no idea what to write about, but now I know."

I scan the classroom and see Ethan staring at me, very intently.

"When you hear the word love, I'm sure each and every one of you associate happiness with it. Smiling, hugs, care, trust." That word I say with a certain amount of disgust, just so Ethan can catch it.

"What if I told you, that everything you know about love is a lie? Love is not all happiness, love is not all smiles. Love is hard, love is heartbreaking. Love is never reciprocated in the same way you love. Love is not romantic, love is harsh. People in this day and age confuse love with lust" I look at Ethan, making eye contact, "you think they care for you, you begin to trust them but then you realize all they wanted was to use you. They play these mind games and it's not fun. It ruins you."

"Do you know what it's like to be in love with a douche bag? I think I do. I wish I didn't but I do. Though, I do not like the word douche bag. It sounds a bit too critical. But I don't mean it in a judgmental way, or in a way that implies I'm somehow better than him. I'm definitely not better than him because today I still look at his photos with other women, roll my eyes and murmur "what a slut" even though I know, he knows, I still want him. Being in love with a douche bag is fun but tricky. Fun because he knows how to lure you right on in. Though it's tricky because it's not like you can say no to him. Even when your mind tries to fight it, your body will not listen. All your inner buttons will be immediately turned on and you will fall under the spell of his persuasive talk. Once you're hooked and he knows you're hooked, it's right about time he plays his little fuckboy game. He will immediately back off and become ambivalent about his level of interest." I take a breath and everyone's mouths are about on the ground.

"He will still be responsive but never too invested. He will still be reachable but never really around. Ironically, it draws you in even more, making you painfully addicted like it's only him who can make you feel as good again. Of course he's quick to notice that, and soon he starts to mention his douche bag sport as though it's always been part of the deal, something you should already know and accept. He will casually say it after sex, on your bed, before he reaches for a cigarette and you still curl up next to him studying his expressions. You will feel a sharp pain in your chest but you will play along with him anyway because you are afraid of losing him. You want him to think you're cool, you can deal with this. When his phone is off and all your text messages go unanswered. When you don't get any sign of life from him until 4 pm the next day and he nonchalantly shoots you a lame excuse along the lines of, "my phone is out of battery", or "sorry I fell asleep." Or sometimes there isn't any response at all and you have to check the read receipts indicating when he was last seen. You can only bet that he is being his usual douche bag self going around being a douche bag. But that's only a guess. You never really know what he's up to, who or how many he is with, because a douche bag never gives you the details of his douche bag schedule. And it drives you crazy because you think that he cares about you and you think that he likes you when in all reality, he's just playing with you. The shittiest part is that, you have no right to get upset or question him, and as soon as you hear from him again, none of that even matters. Not your pride, not your tears; not those sleepless nights you were holding onto the promises he had eagerly made but never bothered to keep; not advice from friends, family, including your own mother. Not even ones that really felt like a wake-up call, a hit in the head, like they could actually save you. No. Nothing's changed. He, same, you, same. Even if you try to ignore him to feel in control, that's already too old in the book and never lasts more than a day or two anyway. You can't deny that you miss him. You will give in to him. You will wag your little tail and welcome him inside your world, inside your body all over again. You will convince yourself that you're okay with this, that just like him, you're not looking for anything more and you're finally feeling liberated. Only after he's gone again, when your heart feels like breaking at the first note of every love song and you collapse on your knees shaking will you realize that it's all utter bullshit. You're not okay and never okay. You're not even remotely liberated. You're in love with a douche bag and you have no way to win. Being in love with a douche bag is a choice you don't know you have made and a game you don't know you are playing. You can be condescending and cynical all you want, call him a douche bag, a jerk, an asshole if it makes you feel any better. Maybe you can even ring him up and tell him you've found someone else and yes, for a moment he will be surprised and maybe he does care about you after all.But it's not like it ever changes anything.Because at the end of the day, you know, he knows, he still gets to have you and leave you as he pleases and you are still the loser who's in love with a douche bag." I finish, a few tears rolling down my face.

I realize what I had just done, and everyone here knows. They know I just told Ethan that I'm in love with him. I go sit down slowly and put my head on my desk.

"I'll go next." Ethan says.

I look up and see him walk to the front of the room. He turns his head and makes eye contact with me. He takes his paper and rips it up. He takes his phone like I did and starts to record so he can write it down.

"She's stubborn and hard headed but god knows I love her. There's days when she's grumpy for no apparent reason other than the fact that she's grumpy. When she's sick, she's helpless and all you can really do is hold her in your arms and comfort her till she falls asleep. There's days when she'll complain about everything like the weather, people, music, or even you and you'll just have to deal with it. She'll complain about the room being too hot, to only result in closing the windows in the middle of the night because she's too cold. There are days when she shuts the world out, she'll ignore everyone because she just wants to sit in silence. Sometimes, she'll claim she can eat an entire cow because that's just how hungry she is. So we'll make dinner plans and I'll pick her up just to have her say, "I ate already, I was too hungry but I'll still eat a little something." There are days when she suffocates me with love. She'll kiss and kiss and kiss, till I beg her to stop. She'll tickle me until my insides hurt and hold my hand till it's sweaty. There are days when she'll claim every part of my body with her lips. And there are days when she'll need her space and I'll have to pull a chair up alongside the bed because she just needs her own space. There are days when her hair is messy and all over the place. Days when she'll cry and you don't know why but you won't ask you'll just let her cry. Days when she's nervous and jumpy about everything. Days when she yells at me for no reason just to apologize two seconds later. Days when she's a pain in the ass and pushes my buttons just to settle it with kisses. Days when I'm listening to my favorite song and she'll talk over it because talking is more important than music. There are days when I need her to make decisions, to do the littlest things like pick a place to eat. She'll refuse and say "I don't know" until I give up and decide myself. Sometimes she'll swear like a sailor and make jokes during times when she should probably be serious. She does this beautiful thing where she tucks her hair behind her ear because she's nervous but it helps her realize that she can hold her head up high and that she doesn't need anyone to be there for her because she can be there for herself. There are days when it's 3 in the morning and she won't let me sleep and days when she's too tired and fast asleep by 10 at night. Sometimes she's clumsy and sometimes she's a walking contradiction; but she is everything I've ever wanted. I'd do everything to have her bad days, her grumpy days, her 'I need space days,' her love me days, her laughing days, her clumsy days, and her happy days, because she is everything I've ever wanted and I wouldn't dare trade her for anything in this world. She is my world." He says, without ever skipping a beat and without taking his eyes off of me.

I get up and run out of the classroom because it's more than I can handle.

I hear footsteps behind me and then someone whips me around.

"I am completely and madly in love with you, Zoë." Ethan says.

"...As am I with you." I say back.

He crashes his lips to mine.