AFSCHEID NEMEN BESTAAT NIET || JÜRI POOTSMANN
"So you're leaving me?" Lena says, looking at me with tears in her eyes.
I place my hands on her upper arms, "I'm not leaving you, I'm just..." I pause, trying to find the right words, "going away for a while."
She squirms out of my hold on her arms, "Don't lie to me."
I shake my head, "I'm not. I'm going away for a long time, and I don't want you to hold onto me. I want you to live your life and not be be limited."
"I told you that you are part of my life, and I can't just quit that." Lena hickups, wiping her eyes with the end of her sleeve.
"I'm leaving for a whole year, Lena. Who knows what will happen. I don't want you to pause your life because of me." I try to explain to her again.
"So you are leaving me, Jüri."
I shake my head again, "No Lena, I'm not."
Lena jumps away when I try to touch her, which may be the most heartbreaking thing this night. So I drop my hand, and walk away.
But I am coming back.
I'm not leaving her; this is not goodbye.
"Saying goodbye doesn't exist." I whisper under my breath as I close the door behind me.
***
It's funny how two months go by so agonisingly slow.
I get off the plane, and make my way through everything as fast as possible.
It feels good to be back home, though ten months earlier than planned.
I couldn't take it to be away any longer. And maybe it was an impulsive decision to book a plane ticket back home, but now that I'm here, I don't regret a thing.
Despite the cloudy weather that makes the country look a bit sad, I am in a good mood. Nervous, but a good mood nonetheless.
The first thing I wanted to do, was visit Lena. I thought I could get through a it, but in reality I couldn't stand being without her.
I have no idea how she is doing, how she's holding up.
Maybe she's moved on.
Maybe she doesn't want to see me at all.
But if I didn't try, I wouldn't know.
So I make my way to her as if my life depends on it.
After taking a deep breath, I knock on the door seeing as Lena still hasn't bothered to fix the door bell. A small smile forms on my face.
When the door opens that smile vanishes immediately. It isn't Lena who's standing in front of me. A tall, dark haired guy looks me up a few times before recognision flashes through his eyes. "You must be Jüri." he concludes.
I nod my head and feel so many things at the same time.
He clearly doesn't know what to say and neither do I.
