The Whispers

Insight of Beca Mitchell(3)

October 20,1990

I think I'm going insane. I think I'm crazy now because I am seeing such odd things in the house. I had awoke to see a small boy at the edge of my bed. I'm terrified that I may be going insane. I don't know- maybe I'm just crazy now. I mean that's the last thing to make my life even shittier.

Oh why that?

You remember how I talked about that small hope, Jesse Swanson, and how maybe he'll make my life better- well I was wrong! He made it worst- maybe it was my fault for telling him that I'm Bisexual.

We were discussing about Ex's and I explain to him how I had both Ex girlfriends and Ex Boyfriend. Apparently, he blabbed to his Bestie, Aubrey Posen, and that bitch told everyone else. Now the girls would steer away from me and guys are harassing me trying to 'turn' me straight when those fucking idiots don't understand that I like both gender. But school life sucks completely! I don't care anymore- fuck school I need money so I work.

I go to school, not to learn, but just so the cops won't go looking for me at home.

And speaking of home. Home is terrible. It's incredibly awful. My dad is not here anymore. He's either fucking drunk or he's on something else- I don't know but he's not here mentally anymore.

My mom might as well be on drugs because she's not moving at all. Maybe I saw her once go to bathroom
But that's it. I literally have to go to her room and feed her because she's completely depressed.

I had to fight my father because he was kicking her ass and she wasn't doing anything to protect herself- she just laid there, doing nothing! What kind of person would I be if I let him beat her. I didn't do a good job because she still has bruises and a black eye. Dad is too strong- one slap from my face was enough to make me back off....

I hate it here.

I hate my home....

I did pay the electric bills so we have light and everything is settle but the food at home isn't much. I only buy what I can afford, Ramen Noodles... It's cheep and not bad but eating that everyday can make you sick.

Then again,

The same thing everyday makes you sick.

Home makes me sick.

School makes me sick.

My life makes me sick.

I don't like it- I hate my life. I would ask God why he did this to me? But I don't think there's one up there because he would not put me through this. I'm not strong enough- I'm weak and scared.

I'm a scared young girl....

What am I going to do?

I just wished I would not wake up one day but here I am; laying in bed with you on my lap, writing how terrible my life is as if writing to you would make it better. But I really glad I have something to write my thoughts or else I may be going truly crazy.

I love you book of mine...

God, I'm saying I love you to an object- maybe I am insane.

Rebeca Mitchell