Take What You Can Carry | Bucky Barnes

Coping

The silence was killing me. It wasn't the serene, calming silence that I love but this was the awkward, tense silence that is making my brain hurt. The sound of the clock ticking was the only other sound heard, aside from the repetitive noise of dr. Crane's pen tapping against his clipboard.

"You know, we can do this all day."

I looked up to him and rolled my eyes.

"I don't know what you want me to do. What do you want me to say?" I sighed, leaning back to the couch.

"I'm not asking you to do anything, but I do know that you're here because you're going through something and you need answers."

I groaned.

"I don't want to say it out loud because I know how it sounds, okay. I don't want to sound like a crazy person."

He chuckled. "Don't worry, I've seen my fair share of crazy. This is not one of them."

After the mental battle with myself, I decided to just get on with it and do what I came here to do.

"For the first time in my relationship, I have this overwhelming surge of jealousy and I don't know why or how this is happening. I mean, I trust him and I feel like it's not fair, for him."

"Why don't you tell me about this relationship, how do you guys work?"

I felt the little gears in my brain grinding as I try to devise an answer. "We've been together for little over a year now and of course, we've had our ups and downs. I've had my share of doubts, but never jealousy."

"When did this feeling start coming up?"

I pouted as I thought about Natasha. Do I really want to talk about this?

"Can I say something?" dr. Crane sat forward, putting his clipboard down.

I nodded.

"I noticed a slight change in you whenever I mentioned the root cause of your feelings. Why don't you want to talk about it? What is holding you back?"

Well, shit. That was on point.

I stayed silent for a while, trying to come up with a structured answer but I couldn't.

"Because talking about it is the same thing as validating it. I don't want to feel like this, so I figured as long as I don't talk about it, I can just try and dismiss it."

"But it's not working, is it?"

I shook my head.

"Okay, why don't we try talking about it then."

"She's everything that I'm not." I sighed. "Plus, they have a history together."

"Tell me about her. What does she have that you don't? What makes you think she's better than you?"

"She works in the same field as he does. She's incredibly good at her job and their job sometimes requires them to travel for a period of time together."

"You're still not answering my question."

"Well, what do you want me to say? That's she's prettier than me? Sexier than me? More talented than me? A bigger sex appeal? Because all of the above are true.

"They're practically the same person, she's like the female version of him. She understands him more than I do; she knows what he needs and what he doesn't need. She can cater to him more than I ever could." I said with a raised voice.