Take What You Can Carry | Bucky Barnes

The Great Escape

It has been 2 days since my fight with Natasha passed and it's safe to say that I haven't exactly moved on. What she spat out stuck with me, like it was programmed into my brain and I can't seem to find the 'off' switch.

What I feel right now surpasses jealousy. In fact, I don't even think I was jealous in the first place; I was just irritated at her attempts of pissing me off or driving us apart. I felt disrespected in fact.

But this?

What she said had successfully broke free the little demons in my head, the ones I've tried so hard to keep down, telling me I wasn't good enough. I felt like I've taken a step forward and a million steps backwards by being in this position, this dreaded headspace.

These past 2 days were spent by staring idly at the wall, replaying her venomous words over and over in my head. I was angry with her for calling me out on my shit like that because deep down inside, a little part of me knew that all along. I was furious because she was right.

When I dropped Bucky off at the compound earlier this morning, it took every fiber in my being to not break down and fall apart right then and there. The thought of my fear and concerns would be a distraction for Bucky had never crossed my mind. Now I can't stop kicking myself for being incredibly selfish and too wrapped up in my own shit to actually realize that I was actually making his life a hell of a lot harder than it should be.

I threw my car keys to the general area of my kitchen counter, only to have it slid off and fell onto the floor.

Great. Just great.

Electing to just ignore it, I threw myself onto the couch, bringing my legs up to my chest and sat in silence. These past few missions were nothing compared to this one. I was able to control my anxiety and function as a human being to actually play out my role in society. This time for some reason I had this incredibly annoying feeling in the pit of my stomach, the one that you get when you feel like something bad was going to happen, and I cannot, for the life of me, get rid of it.

Before falling deeper into this weird funk, I picked up my phone and dialed a number I knew by heart. It rang a few times before the call was picked up, the sound of her voice was enough to make my eyes water.

"Hello?"

"Catherine?"

"Hey Mom, are you busy?" I said, trying to balance my voice.

"Not at all sweetie, are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. I... Uh, I just wanted to see how everyone is doing, I miss you guys."

"Oh honey, we miss you too." A ruffling sound was heard from the other line. "Honey, is that you?" My dad's excited voice was heard on the receiver.

"Hey dad, how are you?"

"I'm great now that you called. The paperboy was sick so I got my morning paper late, plus we just realized that we were out of bacon. There goes my morning." I could actually hear my dad rolling his eyes at his misfortune.

"Oh stop being so dramatic, old man." I chuckled.

"Are you okay? It's not like you to call us so early in the morning?"

I mean, what is it with parents and knowing to ask the right questions?

"I just miss you guys, that's all." I paused. "I have some free time the next couple of days, I thought I'd come and pay you guys a visit."

It was spur of the moment and I didn't even realize that I was thinking about it until it was already said. Suddenly the thoughts of responsibilities came flooding back to me and I began to regret telling my parents that I was coming to visit before actually thinking it through.