Take What You Can Carry | Bucky Barnes

First Step

BUCKY

I watched Cath stomped her way into the elevator and my irritation towards Natasha went to an entirely different level. For some reason, Natasha has a knack for making my life harder and it has to be, I don't know how many times I told her to cut it out, but damn it, she just doesn't know when to stop.

"You really gotta do that?" I chided at Natasha who was smirking with satisfaction.

"What? It's not like I mean it, I was just messing around." She held back a smile.

"Well cut it out, you're really getting on her last nerves." I said as I walked away.

"That's what's making this so fun!" She shouted just as I was about to disappear through the hallway.

I turned the corner and walked into the room Tony had generously provided for us, along with the credit card Cath took earlier. Unlike the others, my room was bare and impersonal. The walls were plain white, so was the furniture and the sheets on the bed. There's a TV on one side of the room and a dresser placed against the wall by the bathroom door. I guess I never thought of putting an effort to decorate the room since I live at home and the thought of doing that just seemed unnecessary.

Throwing myself onto the bed, I felt exhausted, both emotionally and physically. My thoughts kept going back to the night I unknowingly put my hands on Cath, nearly choking her to death if it wasn't for the goddamn safe word. The thought of someone needing a safe word in order to live in the same house as me is ludicrous, it made me feel inhuman, like I'm too fucked up to be considered normal.

But the fact that it was proven that she needed one was worse.

I've been thinking about Cath's suggestion, going to the shrink. The thought of me going to a psychiatrist feels like a joke to me, in what world a person could fix me? What can a doctor do to reverse everything that has done to me in the last 70 years? What could another human being possibly do to undo the fact that I am a fuck up of a human being who is damaged beyond repair?

The last thing I wanted to do is go sit in some stranger's office and talk about my feelings.

The only reason why I'm even considering this joke of a suggestion is because of Cath.

Catherine Harries is what you call a breath of fresh air. She is an oasis in the middle of a desert; she is the breath you took after being underwater for too long, the swig of cold iced water after a long day in the sun. She was the first person to make me feel like I'm human again, aside from Steve; she was the person who made me feel like I'm worth all the love and attention people are giving me. Catherine Harries brought me back from the dark side.

Hurting Cath was the last thing on my mind; I tried very hard to keep her happy. I know I'm far from being perfect, hell, I might not even be good enough for her, but I'm certain of my feelings for her so if loving her meant I have to sit for an hour everyday on someone's couch, with them prodding on my thoughts, I guess that's what I have to do.

With ease, I got up from the bed to my feet and walked to the dresser to grab a change of clean clothes. I figured, since Cath is out with Pepper today, I'll give the whole shrink thing a shot. So, after telling Steve I was off on my bike for an impromptu therapy session.

***

Name: Bucky

Address: Washington DC.

Sex: Male

Occupation: