Another Way Around

Chapter Twenty

“You tried, you tragically failed, move on and start over.”

Here I am, again and again in front of my beautiful, cold and hard mirror.

I’m saying these things again in an inanimate object that will never talk back. I just got home from work. Literally, I’m tired and worn out. Again, I failed.

I hate my job so much. Still no opportunities were coming on my way so I decided to make my own way. I started writing my first novel. It is a story of a woman (Angel) who fell in love just after high school graduation, got pregnant at eighteen, and became a widow at twenty. I love my first work and I’m so proud of it. I love how I describe the tragic life of Angel and how she stood up for herself and for her son. I submit it to Schusters Publishing Company, one of the partners of the company I am working. And they rejected it.

Heart breaking.

Yes it is. But I can’t give up now. I wrote another story. They rejected it again.

I tried another story.

Then another story.

Then another one.

 They all rejected it.

 I don’t know what’s wrong. Most of my professors in college believed that I have a great potential in writing. I don’t know why all of my stories were being rejected. I don’t even think they read any of them so I tried on other publishing companies. But all of them got rejected again and again.

Heart breaking?

Yes.

Worst part is I have no one to talk to about my failures. The day after my conversation with Gino in Ever Park, I went to his Studio and it was closed, I went to his house and it’s locked, I tried to call him but his phone was dead, only to find out, he flew back to New Jersey.

I tried to reached out on Jake, I tried to tell him my frustrations hoping that it will all go away but it didn’t happen the way I wanted it. I can feel that he is not listening and his getting tired of my complains about my life.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to stop writing. I don’t want my dreams to end here just because I got tired of trying and failing.

So here I am now lying in my bed, figuring out how miserable my life is. My career is drowning, my relationships suck, I’m draining out of energy, but what I’m most afraid of is that my hope is almost dying. As I looked back, all my life, all wanted is to be beautiful, in the eyes of my Mum and Jake, to be more beautiful than Matea, to looked in the mirror and see myself as a beautiful woman. Once in my life, it all came true. But it didn’t last that long. It’s just so stupid to think that I can do great things, well in fact, I am nothing but a loser.

I slept with tears.

I prayed.

I cried out.

But no one seems to hear me.

Have God forgotten me? Doesn’t He like me anymore? Did He forsake me already?

I cried.

Day and night.

But no one seems to hear me.

I cried.

Day and night.

But no one seems to care.

I cried.

Day and night.

And I’m starting to get tired of it.

****

I slept early again so I won’t have time to ponder on my crushing life.