Duty (An Armorer/Paladin Story)

Hunting for a hulk

Natasha was distraught. As near as anyone could tell, reviewing security footage from all over the property, he vanished while running the obstacle course in the wooded section. That was all. He went in, he did not come out. He did not leave by either my gate or any of the manned gates. He didn't trigger the pressure sensors on any section of the fence. Everybody, including security not on duty, geeks, even the people in the caf and in Promotions came to help us search the woods, meter by meter. Nothing. Hawkeye took me up in a helicopter and I scanned the entire property for his heat signature. Nothing.

It was literally as if he disappeared into thin air. Thor went back to Asgard and had Heimdall look for him. He was nowhere on the planet; Heimdall would have been able to see him if he were dead, but there was nothing. Dispirited, Thor reported to us that Heimdall would search the nine realms, but it would take some time. It was a lot of territory to cover.

We supported Natasha the best we could; she kept to herself as much as possible and did as much work as she could. Nick sent her off to get field intelligence about our top three candidates for a female Smith, which at least diverted her attention from wondering and worrying about Bruce.

A few weeks later, she was back with photographs and we were able to positively eliminate one of the candidates for the top job. Both of the other contenders were definitely baddies; the only question was which one was ours, although they would both bear watching.

Autumn was a pretty grim season this year.

One night I was woken up by Steve having a really terrible nightmare. He'd been plagued with them periodically since he was brought out of the ice. I persuaded him to talk about it; he described memories from the war that he had suppressed, culminating in his ditching the Valkyrie in the ocean. Then he was defrosted and shortly thereafter, Nick got him involved in the Avengers Initiative and the Chitauri invasion. Then he helped bring down HYDRA and SHIELD, Sokovia, been an outlaw, and been redeemed. There was also Bucky, finding him, helping to free him, getting his best friend back. As I listened to him talking, I was sick; it sounded like a terrible case of PTSD, and nothing had been done to help him.

"I understand that a lot of WWII vets came back traumatized from their experiences." I said quietly. "They tried to mash a strange shaped peg into a round hole after they went home and a lot of them had a hard time with it, especially the guys who had especially hard experiences, like the troops at Bastogne or the ones who liberated concentration camps. Nobody knows the extent of the problem because psychology wasn't very advanced and there was a stigma anyway. Things are better now, though. They know how to help combat vets like you. What you've been through is enough for two lifetimes. You could see Constance if you wanted, or there are other options. Sam would know how to get you help through the VA. It's not a reflection on you as a man. The miracle is that you've been able to keep it together for so long." 

We talked about it some more, and ultimately he said he'd talk to Sam. I felt slightly better; Sam would be able to get him help. He'd worked for the VA.

It wasn't long before he was seeing somebody at the Seattle VA. I told him I would respect his privacy and not pry, but I was always willing to talk if he wanted. I also had to face the fact that I hadn't seen that he was struggling. Con had to tell me shape up; Steve was good at hiding his pain and troubles and I wasn't responsible. But I loved him; I felt that I should have seen.

Once again we had Thanksgiving at the Bartons' and Christmas at my place. Natasha was absent for both, and the loss of two of our members was tough. It was a dreary holiday season overall, but brighter for me because of Steve.

But as spring approached, he started having the nightmares more frequently, and finally, one beautiful spring afternoon in April, he told me he needed a break from our relationship.