The Messenger

Chapter Eight

Chapter Eight

I lie in bed gazing up at the ceiling, counting the numerous wide spreading cracks. One by one. I have been doing this for what seems like eternity. I didn't sleep, couldn't sleep actually, when I finally crept up to my bedroom. How could drift off to a peaceful dreamland free of Rachel and Caroline, with the kind of night I had? I have been drowning in a sea of guilt and many other emotions, trying desperately to shut the angry whispers out of my head. Whatever it is or whoever, I should say, I have pissed of Is not happy with me. Perhaps it is my conscience that I completely silenced yesterday. It is searing with rage for being hushed and not heard.

 Emotions has always been a terrible weakness of mine. I can not detach them from my brain. Caroline says I get it from my mother, letting my emotions make my most important decisions for me. Instead of  thoroughly thinking through the situation and coming up with a plausible solution. I hate it. Why can't I just not feel anything, nothing at all? I want to completely remove my heart from my damn brain; it appears to be the one making all these stupid irrational choices for me. I wish that my heart was as black as charcoal coal, that way I could make these very easy situations easily and continue on with my day. 

Linny says I need to take a few pointers from her, and I have, I try to mimic her actions as best as I can but it seems like whatever I do, nothing can really disconnect these two vital organs from themselves. At least for me they can not. Maybe I can go through some type of ritual and wash all the dumb emotions from my mind, body and soul. Cleansing my body of all its hazardous waste; my putrid emotions. I can't fathom how Caroline makes all the correct choices between alternatives all the time, never making a single mistake. 

Well the partial reason for that may be because, she doesn't really show very much emotion since our father left us that faithful day. Just like a snap of her fingers, like a switch being turned-off, her sentiment, her compassion for others vanished. Only surfacing on rare occasions. For example, when and if I make her proud, which also scarcely happens. She's a very hard person to impress. It is as if her it died along with the young hopeless ten year old little girl she once was. She is now an older more smarter shell of her former self.

I know Caroline would be extremely upset with me, scratch that she'd be livid, if she knew I was having these type of thoughts again, but against my better will I can not help it. I wish I could, these thoughts, these feelings, are not healthy for me or this plan we are trying to put into motion. But, a tiny part of me wanted to, (willed to, even) for me to stay holding Rachel's frail frame in my arms. Listening to her soft delicate breaths that sounded like a sweet melody to my ears. Throughout the night I slowly, gently stoked her thick glossy waves of hair that cascaded down her neck slightly curling under her shoulder blades. I was hesitant at first but she snuggled closer to my body indicating she was enjoying my slight hair massage.

My subconscious screamed at me for even being with her for so long in such a way. I couldn't deny it anymore, I was torn between the two; going against everything Caroline has taught me to hate, again or pushing these all to familiar feelings deep into the back of my head, never letting them surface again. For the life of me I can not figure out why. This should be an easy decision for me to make, like which dessert I want at dinner time or writing my own name. Yet, it is not. I know this feeling is not like or even love... maybe. Just pure fascination of this Rachel Clark character. Of what excitement or adventure she will and could bring for me.

What I really want to know is, what draws me to her, to Rachel. Why can I not pry myself from her imaginary hold. I wonder why her presence is so suffocating I can barely think straight whenever she is near me. Why must her scent reel me in, engulfing me in the potent smell? Why does her twinkling mint green eyes captivate my soul with one swift glance or wink? Or why she keeps a protective barrier around herself at all times. Even though I have had a glimpse of the real her, I want to  find out everything. I want, no, I am going to knock that protective wall down, shattering it to pieces. Leaving her completely vulnerable to me and my wishes.