lostmyhead [d.h + p.l] book 2

第2章

"phil!" i hear my friend, chris yell. i rush to his bedroom in our shared apartment and open the door to see him on his bed, with his laptop on the computer on his lap.

"yes, chris?" i asked him, as i enter his room.

"can you get me a snack?" i rolled my eyes, hes so lazy. i nodded and i walked to the kitchen to get the chips for chris.

i started to walk towards his bedroom when i stopped and decided to open it to have just one chip. i grabbed the chip and examined it. i try to feel it, smell it, taste it. it doesnt seem real. i look around and i suddenly feel my breathing heavy and my heart rate increase as i think about how fake everything and how made up it is.

nothing is real. everything i feel isnt actually real. its all made up, and its how we live. we live where everything is fake and i feel disconnected from the world and myself. is chris real? is my mom and dad real? am i real?

next thing i know chris is helping me up on the couch as i still breath heavily. i put my hand over my heart feeling it pump faster and faster.

"phil, listen to me." chris said calmly, but i know he is freaking out. "i am real okay? here," he grabbed my hand and put it on his hair. he moved my hand so i can feel his hair. "i am real, see? this couch is real, this room is real, everything is real, okay?"

i started to calm down more, my breathing still heavy. i breath in slowly and exhaled slowly, trying not to have it go any worse.

"are you okay now?" asked chris. my hand was still feeling his hair, by the second it seemed more real than before. i nodded, but refusing to look chris in the eye. i hate to see chris like this. he always has to worry about me and always has to help me with i feel dissociated with reality, myself and everything else.

almost everyday at least 3 times a day, i get dissociated with reality. i have this disorder called, depersonalization, or whatever. ive had it for the longest time, and it sucks. nothing ever is real anymore. i would go about my day fine with something randomly triggers me, and i feel like im in a video game, and i cant get out.

its quite scary actually. its hard to know whats real, sometimes it takes me forever to realize if i am real or not.

chris sits next to me now, his face all red and he is panting slightly. as for me i am trying to collect my thoughts and not think about anything.

"wanna go and get some ice cream?" i shook my head, my thoughts were too scattered and i have a massive headache, i cant even think at this moment. chris patted my back and got up in front of me. "well, im going to get some and you some other things, i'll see you later alright? need anything call me."

i nodded and he grabbed his keys from the table in front of the couch and left. i get up and went straight to my room. i groaned when my body finally relaxed. i flip over to my back and look at my plain white walls.

whenever i get bored, i rearrange my room. but currently, i am not happy about the way it looks. the walls i mean. its too disgusting and i am so frustrated with it. i sit and think about what i am going to so with it. maybe some blue and green? or maybe some black? im not sure.

or maybe i can have an artist paint it. but that'll take some work, i want something i would enjoy forever, not waste my money on a shitty painting on my wall. i decided that i will look into some local artists or businesses that can help.

i go to my computer and decided to look for some cheaper artists. this'll be hard, since i do not want a painter, i want an artist.

the first one comes up is a list, the title saying artists near you! i shrug and open the tab, to see a bunch of artists.

i decided i want to limit my choices. i want an artist that can do any style: from renaissances types of paintings to abstract. so, i search for all. i also want a young artist, just so whenever theyre painting we can bond, i guess? do i type young.

only 3 choices popped up:

Louise Pentland
Zoella Sugg
Pj Liguori

i look through all of them to see what their pay is, what they are willing to do, and most of them are average.

they will charge no less than 100 dollars, and will do parties, anniversaries and others. i frowned, closing my computer. none of their art appealed to me. i decided that i should just let my mind go off and not worry, i should go to the coffee shop.

the coffee shop is a place i go to whenever im upset, or confused or any mood really. i love it there.

-/-

i go to the shop, hearing the bell ding when i walk in. i walk straight to the cashier, who looks tired and very zoned out.

"um, i would like just a decaf coffee please." i asked politely. he nodded and typed it into the computer. while he was doing so, i read his name tag, dan howell. i look up at him and he looks absolutely stunning. he is the most beautiful person i have ever landed my eyes on. his lips were so very red, and his eyes were brown, what a beautiful shade. his hair was similar to mine, which was weird, i have never seen something like that before, people now-a-days don't have my hair cut.

i heard dan clear his throat, and i snap out of my thoughts. i apologized a lot, and i just saw him chuckle.

"its okay, whats your name?" he asked, and i mumbled out, phil.

"okay phil, your coffee will be ready soon, that'll be just one dollar." i handed him a one dollar bill and smiled as i wall away.

as i waited for my coffee, i kept looking at dan. he was so beautiful. i heard my name be called and i grab it quickly, and rushed out going to my car. i take a sip once im in my car and i look at my name on the cup.

phil, call me xxxxxxxxx