Book of lies and life

I felt fine key word "felt"

A few months ago I was feeling fine like something was going right for me like people were treating me the way I deserved to be treated. I feel like o didn't want to leave what I had anymore I felt good. But the universe of course had a few days off and decided to use those days to go you thought bitch go back and drown. And I didn't want to but then it forced me to and now I am where I was 3 years ago. At the begging of something horrible. I then remember a quote I read a long time a go I have no idea who wrote it. It was "because the second you don't want something anymore you'll get it" and it's true before I thought shit dose not work like that. But if you look back at all the things you wanted once and then didn't want them anymore you most likely got them. The second I felt like I belong somewhere that I was fine that I didn't want to de so depressed or stressed it all came back to me. And now I am at my self I don't really know why I think it's because I really thought that u was okay and that I was doing better. But no it was just my brain playing a trick on me lying to me. Because it knew that would take the pain for a while. And now I don't know what to want or what to do because I am not afraid of thing Changing  no that's not my fear my fear is me changing I don't want to become happy anymore because when ever I am happy I just get worse. When ever I am happy something bad happens to me or people around me I don't want that.
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So I haven't uploaded in shit load of time sorry I had been feeling good and so I didn't have anything to write about its funny how sadness gives you the illusion of having a talent but anyways I am back to feeling depressed I should be updating a bit more but I am actually moving in 2 days so like that might not happen but you know if you enjoy this please tell me yeah thx for reading this it means a lot even if it's not that good🙃
-NY