Sleeping With Tattoos

In An Odd Way

NATALIE

_________

The breath I had been holding in all night and all day was finally released. I was relieved at the idea that the drugs weren't for me, but in fact for someone else.

I headed straight back out of the door when I received the address of the woman Rachel.

Walking down the pitch black street made my hair on the back of my neck stand up, I was on edge for the whole journey so far. Passing council estate homes white tatty curtains visible scared me enough. The sound of large dogs barking in the background made me think of a stereotype of these kind of places.

Varies figures stood scattered around a particular house kicking at a door, the screams that were carried out into the street once the door was successfully on the floor were horrendous. A woman? A child? I couldn't make it out. I couldn't see past the large frames man standing in the doorway.

My feet picked up there speed and I stretched my legs further apart so my steps became longer, further away from the chaos.

I stopped in front of a flight of stairs similar to my own flats however these were on the side of the building, just outside. I climbed them one by one looking around and staying cautious of my surroundings and any possible threats to my own life. I sound ridiculous.

Yes, yes you do.

I knocked on number 43, which I was told was the woman's flat number.

The door opens but there's no one there. I look down and see a little girl standing there looking up at me. Her blond hair draped around her shoulders and her fringe covering her eyes.

"Oh I must have the wrong house. Sorry." I go to move away but her tiny yet older aged sounding voice speaks up.

"No, not if your looking for my mummy." She looks up and her fringe moves to the sides to reveals her hazel eyes.

"Is your mums name Rachel?" I squat down to her level so she doesn't feel intimidated.

"Yes. Do you want her?" she asks rocking back and forth on the heels of her feet.

"Yes please, if she's here." I smile and get back up to my own height. "How old are you?" I can't help but ask.

"I'm five but I'm going to be six soon." She smiles and walks away from me leaving the door wide open.

I stand waiting in the cold. The lights are only dim so they don't really light up the hallway. After a few minutes of waiting a blond haired woman with the same colour eyes as her daughter appears in front of me.

"You've met Mandy then." She laughs.

"She looks just like you." I smile.

Now that I see it, Rachel's hair is blond just like her daughters but thin and wiry unlike her daughters. Her eyes are the same hazel colour but instead of just being hazel, the whites of her eyes are bloodshot. Her thin frame lingers before me.

"I...I was asked to give you something. Danny, he, well Danny asked me to give it to you. He told me to." I can't get rid of my nerves.

"Oh." She looks disappointed.

I don't want to hang around so I remove the bag from my pocket and place it in her palm that's stretched out for me. As soon as she takes ahold of the bag she sighs and looks down at it, just staring. I can't quiet figure out what she's thinking or feeling.

That's because you don't know her. I always seem to relate to people who are struggling in this world, in their lives.

"I wish I could come off of this shit." She surprises me by saying. I didn't expect another word from her. Maybe just a thank you and the door in my face. I'd never see her or her sinless daughter again.

"But I can't. I need to get away sometimes you know. Maybe away from Mandy but I feel disgusting and disappointed in myself as soon as I smoke it."

I nod and almost want to sympathise with her. Not because I do the same but she's struggling just as much as I am, sinking in this world just like me but just in different ways, doing different things.

"Maybe take a holiday. The money you spend on that could probably by you a holiday every month." I point at the powder in the bag.

"I know. Once your stuck your stuck though. It's like signing a contract with the devil."

"Danny is the devil." My lips curve into a small smile but she knows I'm being serious.

"A young devil that is." She laughs and looks at the bag once again.

"Your daughter is quiet something, I think she needs a break to, she must be smelling all that." This time instead of pointing to the bag I look at it and she nods in agreement.

"I'm trying to stop but as you can see....it's hard to do so. I feel like there's nothing to live for." Her lips draw a straight line on her face and her eyes look as though they are filled with water but the light makes it hard to be sure.

"Mandy is, your daughters worth living for. She needs her mummy, she loves her mummy." Rachel nods and tears of happiness at the thought of her daughter trickle down her cheeks.

"Mummy! Can you come and say goodnight please! Mummy!" Her tiny voice carries through the tiny flat that's smaller than mine and Rachel laughs at her daughter.

"I better go. Thank you for bringing this down here, I appreciate you putting yourself at risk coming down here, it gets rough."

I smile and tell her it's fine, that she should consider a holiday, and maybe even seek help professionally to quit that stuff. She nods and I tell her it's lovely to have met her and Mandy, that I hope to see her soon.

And in those twenty short minutes I feel like I've known the woman her whole life, that I have known Mandy since she was born. People like Rachel relate to me, I feel their pain and I can see their struggle, I understand what it's like to sign a contract with the devil, and not be able to stop what you want more than anything to quit.

I turn around and head back the way I came. I walk past the house that I passed on the way which is now surrounded by police cars but is oddly quiet. No dogs barking no figures lingering.

I feel like I've fed her the rubbish she wants to quit but I feel like I've helped someone. In an odd way.

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