Cuts

Ch 31. Blur

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Chapter 31 - Blur


"Sometimes your heart needs more time to accept what your mind already knows"


Stephie's POV

I pushed the door open by hitting it with my foot, and we entered the room, me still climbed up on him, giggling at some knock knock joke that Harry just said. He's completely different of a person inside from the way he looks outside.

I took support of his shoulders as he stood me up on the bed, ditching at the last moment as he moved forward a little ahead. I end up falling on him as he caught me into his embrace.

"God I would've got my head hurt if you wouldn't have caught!" I yelled, as I buried my face in his chest.

"I wouldn't let you," His voice that seemed to be velvet spoke.

"I want to say something." He stated, pulling back and grabbing my both hands as he looked down at them. Butterflies tickled my stomach.

"Yeah?" I asked, smiling.

"Come here." He said, sitting on the bed. I followed and crossed my legs Indian style as I took a place near the headboard of the bed.

"I um.. I need to go for a walk outside." I laughed at the way he looked nervous saying this.

"Okay." I continued laughing.

"That's not fucking funny." He rolled his eyes and got up and moved to his closet.

"Sorry." I bit my lip.

What'll I do till he's gone?

Tumblr.

I took my phone out, opening it.

The net is not connected.

Oh well thank you for reminding.

"Do you have a laptop?"

"Mac or windows?"

"Anything normal you have?" I giggled.

"I'll give you my Mac."

"Alright." I smiled.

"What's your wifi password anyway?"

"Pass me the phone, I'll put it in." I gave him the phone, after closing tumblr.. that wasn't even connected.

I stared as he typed in whatever the password was.

I narrowed my eyes when he took longer than required, what the hell is doing?

"Who is he?" He asked, showing the wallpaper.

Shit.

"It's.. its too old," I looked down, glancing once at the screen of my phone, it still had the photo of me and Luke, in the same position Harry and I were minutes ago. Adding to the lovely picture was me kissing his cheek as he laughed.

"Who the fuck is he Steph?" He asked again, a lot more edge to his voice this time.

"He was.. he was my best friend, back there in Florida." I gulped. I shouldn't have set it as the wallpaper in the first place only.

"Best friend or boy-"

"God no! No!" No.

"Whatever." He groaned, turning around after tossing my phone on the bed.

"Here." He placed the Mac on the desk, as the headphones that were attached to them fell down.

"I'll be back." And with that he disappeared out of the room, slamming the door behind him hard enough to make me gasp.

It took me a minute to come back to reality.

I just completely blew up everything we build up over the past four days. I don't understand the kind of relationship or whatever we have is. One moment we'll be both all giddy and he'll be too adorable but then just one spark and it burns the whole of the forest.

I'm a fuck up, it was my mistake this time.

Without wasting anymore time, I picked up my phone, changing my wallpaper as I left it blank.

I got up, grabbing the Mac as I bit down on my nails, I'm probably gonna have to control to stop myself from cutting but fuck it.

I breathed in some air before opening the site and logging in and prepared myself to be covered in posts that make you feel like you are not alone. Like there are other people who feel the same way you do, shitty crappy and completely useless. The people who understand how it feels to not be good enough.

I connected the headphones to my phone, putting it on shuffle and scrolled down my dashboard.

"Sometimes" said Pooh. "the smallest things take up the most room in your heart."

Yeah just like mine, the little things that Harry's been doing mean more than anything lately. They have stayed on my mind like forever.

I have a strange feeling that I'm not myself anymore.

I have changed alot since I have moved to this place. The society here is to blame. The bigger the city gets the more they want you to be perfect and shit that I can't be because I'm just.. all flaws.

Do you ever think about death?

Yes, too much.

Insecurity will kill you.

It's been killing me ever since.

When I was running away from myself I ran into you.

I stared at this line for longer than enough. I was running away from the day in class when they were talking about self harm and that was the first time that I actually talked to Harry or to say that I ran into him. He has been the light of positivity in my life. I have cut more and then sometimes I have just completely forgot about it. A great oxymoron line there.

Just three weeks and I have so many feelings and its been confusing. Yes, I have had a crush on Harry for a long time and now here I am, on his bed sitting on his laptop. Wow.

I scrolled down impatiently leaving those pictures which look like life is a fucking fairytale not a nightmare, one picture caught my eye.

Chapped lips
Dark circles
Boring days
Anxious nights
Dangerous habits
And thoughts
Slipping back in my mind
How much longer
Do I have to do this?

I stared at the screen as I read the lines again and again.

I stay shut, don't tell anyone anything. I have dark circles that are covered with makeup. I have the days that are boring, just sitting in my room thinking about shit and scrolling down my phone just like this. They have changed too much after Harry entered. It looks like more of a thriller and drama rather than a boring one but I don't really think its gonna be long till it comes back to that. Anxious nights.. those nights in which I stayed up all night, sobbing about how bad school is and how suckish my life is as the blood drowned from my body. I have experienced those too much. Smoking, cutting, thinking about suicide and trying it are definitely somethings I shouldn't be doing, they are dangerous habits but no one has ever bothered to even care about it, so I am the last one to do so.

My thoughts are hard to write out, or even to share for that matter. In my head it all makes sense, but in my mouth, words refuse to form. It's very frustrating, and that's why I will always just smile.

This one isn't true, I'm pretty much into writing. I know how to expess my feelings on a paper but shit happens when I even try to speak up. Okay, half true.

Sometimes you just need someone to tell you you're not as terrible as you think you are.

Well no one has ever said that and I know I'm terrible anyways. Its not just something I think.

I'm always the one who loves more. That is my problem.

Do I love Harry? It's too soon to say.

I'm sorry that when I'm sad that I will smile. It's a whole lot easier than explaining or anything at all.

Too young to be sad.

Silence is beautiful not awkward. The human tendency to be scared of something beautiful is awkward.

You're a handsome thing.

I smiled as the picture of Harry smiling formed in my mind.

My mind forgets to remind me that you're a bad idea.

I don't want to disappear. I want to stay with you forever. I want to remember your smell, your laugh, your voice: everything..
It's so hard to think that one day this will all be gone. It feels we just got here.

I closed the tab and shut the laptop as the tears filled my eyes. Why can't I just be happy without worrying about anything?

Throwing away the headphones on the bed, I got up to find some metal that I could pierce into my skin. I found a sharpner kept on his desk and I picked it up and struggled to take the blade out of it. It cut my finger as I somehow managed to pull it out. Its gonna be cutting my wrists later so it bothers to the least that my finger is cut.

I should not do this, I don't know how Harry will react if he sees blood anywhere or if Gemma gets to know. She's probably going to show sympathy, which I absolutely despise. I don't want to be pitied upon. I don't do this for any attention.

Anyways no one cares about me to see if I'm okay and neither to stop me, so fuck it.

I opened the door to the bathroom with the metal in my hand and sat down on the floor, closing the door. The memories of the last time we fought at the same place seem to be a blur. I remember saying him that I wanted him to stay away from me and said it wasn't his business to interrupt in my life.

I fucked up last time also.

We didn't really fight today. I don't even know what happened. All I could see was the face of Harry and the way it fumed when he showed me the picture. And then he just stormed out of room without saying anything.

Maybe he was angry because I was pecking Luke on the cheek in the photo and it looked.. adorable?

Or maybe that you're a fucking idiot that isn't even able to tell from all of this that he likes you!

My conscience. Oh my stupid fucking conscience.

He doesn't like me, of course he doesn't. We're just.. we're just not friends. Maybe a little more. I do accept that we are not friends, we are more. But I don't think that he has any feelings for me..

I don't know if I ever will mean anything to him or I do now but I will never be the first one to make a move. I still think he deserves a person who is better than me. I am just too drowned and damaged in my thoughts, that I fear if we ever get along, it's going to affect him too.
He's been a light for me and brought me out of the dark but for how long will the light still stay bright?

As the pessimistic thoughts take over and the negativity grows more and more, it doesn't take me long to find myself making lines on my wrist.

I've held on for four days and I think that's enough.


Harry's POV

I walk out of my house and pull out a cigarette when I'm far enough for anyone to see me. I don't care if anyone even sees but I don't want her seeing me smoke.

I was thinking on admitting to her that I like her and then that damn picture just flipped the shit out of me.

I am overreacting. It was just a picture. Just a fucking picture! So why the hell is it bothering me so much!?

I swear it if I ever meet that asshole in person, the fucker wouldn't have balls to come out of his house ever again.

I need to calm down. I need to stop thinking about it.

I sighed heavily, taking another long drag from my fag as I slid down to whoever the fuck's house it was.

I don't even have a reason to be mad about but here I am fucking smoking about nothing.

"Harry?" A familiar voice said. I didn't bother to look up.

"Harry?" She raised her voice.

I don't want anyone except Stephie right now.

"Harry!" She kicked my converse with her heels.

"What the fuck!" I looked to see Stacey waving her hand up and down. She is the last person I thought would be here now.

"What are you doing here?" She asked, sitting beside me on the ground.

How about a no?

"Mind your fucking business." I barked, taking out another cigarette from the pack and lighting it.

"Pass me one," She asked,

"No."

"Just give me the damn thing." She said, snatching the cigarettes and the lighter from my hand. She is just a shameless bitch.

"What are you doing here?" I asked, pushing the thoughts about Steph and that motherfucker back.

"Oh, now you're interested." She spoke, throwing her smoke directly in my eyes.

"Fuck," I cursed and turned my head. "Watch that!"

"I fucked up." She mumbled, lighting her fag, completely ignoring what I said.

"I guess, me too."

"What did you do?" I asked.

"Jason got to know that I cheated on him." Who's Jason?

"With?"

"Niall."

"What?!"

"Calm down Styles, just sex." Fuck her.

I stayed quite, taking drags. So did she.

She didn't let the silence stay in for long. She started fumbling for god knows what in her bag and it made a hell amount of noise.

I closed my eyes, resting my head on the back of the wall, feeling the smoke.

"Want one?" Stacey asked, holding a bottle of vodka in her hand.

"Eh, okay." She shrugged, giving me the bottle. Drinking her own.

"How do you admit to a girl that you like her?" I asked, opening the bottle and taking a sip. Feeling it as it burned my throat.

"Woah woah! Hold on. Who do you like?"

"That comes later. Just tell me how do you girls like it."

"Okay, wait. Let me think." I haven't even glanced at her once. She probably must be looking like a damn stripper this late.

"Give her little signals, like you know, show her that you care and those small little things." I don't understand a shit.

"What little things?"

"Um like, give her cute surprises, kiss her unnecessarily, literally shower her with them. Bitches love that," she arched her brows, probably asking for a reaction that I didn't give, "hug her, just make her feel fucking special! That's the main, leave all the fucked up shit behind."

"Hmm." I sipped from the bottle again.

"Teddy bears are a cute piece of shit."

"The fuck?" What does she want me to do? Go to a damn toy store to bring an idiotic stuff toy.

"Flowers."

"Yeah, they seem fine." I rolled my eyes.

"You're asking the girl out?"

"No."

"Then what the fuck are you planning on doing?" She pushed.

"Just.. you know admitting feelings and shit." I shrugged.

"You've never done that to any one before." She said, both our heads faced the road ahead of us, as the bunch of cars kept on passing by, "You just fuck the girl and then you're with her the next day if you find her sexy."

"People change." I laughed.

"Yeah, two weeks and you've changed."

"What?"

"It's been just a couple of weeks since you've left Jen, you know?"

"Like I care." I said, downing half the bottle.

"See that?" She said.

"What the fuck are you going on saying?" I groaned.

"No, you don't give a shit about your ex, and not just Jennifer. You've never cared about any of your other exes too but then there's this girl who's name you're not even telling! What the fuck has happened to you Styles!" Stephie. Steph has happened to me.


(SORRY FOR THE LATE UPDATE asdfgh lol but it wasn't really late, I already said that sometimes there might be just one update a week. I have school also to bother sadly, I had some practicals that have kept me busy lately. I got messages from you guys saying to update but I was so sad when I couldn't, but I hoped you liked the chapter anywho!! .xo)

and cuts is now rated R and we havent even had a really intimate scene lol