Who are you Jill Smith?

Chapter 4

I was trying not to fall asleep during history class. I didn't sleep last night. All I could think about was you-know-who. I couldn't help but admit I've been awfully bitter  because of the whole Finn and Jill thing. Though I don't actually know why, but the thought really does get to me. I couldn't possibly be jealous. It just can't be jealousy.

I was about to lose my own battle when Finn suddenly called my name out. "Justin!" and then, I was awake.

"Yeah?" I said.

"What happened to you yesterday? Not gonna lie it was pretty weird."

I didn't think he'd bring that up—well, no, that's a lie, I knew he would. I just wasn't thinking about it because I assumed he liked being alone with Jill.

"It was nothing. Just wanted to walk and clear my head about something. Sorry if I came off as a jackass to you and Jill."

Jill.

It felt weird to call her name out loud. It made my stomach form knots and quiet admittingly—a part of me liked saying it.

Jill. Jill. Jill.

Her face came more vivid in my head as I pressed her name in my thoughts. What pained me was the flashing image of her being with Finn in the bus. It made me wonder what happened to them after I left.

I wanted to ask him: 'So, what happened between you and Jill?'.

I thought about it, but my pride was too great to ask. And if I did, I was worried Finn might misunderstood and make assumptions.

Urgh. I didn't even like how this was making me overthink things I normally wouldn't.

"What time did you get home yesterday?" I asked, compensating my curiosity a bit.

"The usual." He shrugged. "I was planning to take Jill home but her cousin came by and they went home together. Can you imagine? Jill has a cousin and she goes to this school as well."

"Oh yeah?" I said, not planning to tell him I already knew. Her cousin was the least of my concern; all I really cared about was to know what happened between him and Jill yesterday.

I felt relived though. I was glad that Carly came between them. I was glad Finn didn't take her home.

"Yeah, her name's Carly Smith and she's a 10th grader like us. They live alone together just right around St.Clark." He said.

Finn's face then fell. "Get this, Jill's parents died a couple years ago. And now she and Carly live together while Carly's mom works abroad."

I instantly felt bad but I didn't know how to respond to that. A part of me wanted to ask more but my ego wanted nothing to do with the information. Would it be bad if Finn found out how I've been having these non-stop thoughts about Jill? As a friend, probably not. But as who I am, no.

What followed was derail how I had to find that out through Finn. I was being irrational about this; about my emotions, I know, but I couldn't help it. I was starting to hate myself for it too. I have never wanted more to control my own emotions so badly in my entire life.

"Oh." I was able to muster.

I imagined what it must be like to have your parents die. I imagine Jill sad. And not the kind of sad that you're getting bullied sad, but real sad (Not that I know what it feels like to be bullied but you get that point). The kind that might make you wanna die; the kind that's inescapable and deeply eternal. I imagined the state she must have been. Then, the face she makes because of Finn flashed in; how that face only appears because of my friend; just pure joy.  I imagine that gone and never seeing the life of day again.