Heartbreak

Chapter Four: Are you asking me to go with you?

(Thackery)

For as long as I can remember every September on a Saturday my father has thrown a huge party with all those just like us able to shift into rabbits. Spending an entire day before summer comes to an end and I usually spend it away from everyone.

At least I have for the pass five years since I was a teenager and I tended to favor being alone and not with clusters of people anymore. Not that I don't enjoy spending time with people like me and I don't have to feel alone but it doesn't change the way I enjoy being by myself more lately.

This year alone feels like there have been more occasions I am thrown into parties and events I rather not be attending but I can't simply say no. Maybe my father is right I shouldn't be drowning in my own sorrows alone in my room. I may not want to fall in love again, because I don't believe in it, that doesn't mean I can't enjoy myself. It doesn't mean I can't have fun with people who have wanted to be friends but I've pushed everyone away because of my tendencies to want to be alone.

I actually don't hate going out to spend time with friends like Jasper and Dominick. Neither hate me and I don't dislike them. It takes my mind off for one of what I don't want to think about and onto other things.

Though standing outside in my gray colored rabbit form I'm not sure how secure and safe I feel. My thoughts wandering  onto the next topic that hasn't left my mind in the pass month. I hadn't noticed before until after I found out about werewolves existing that a number have been visiting our house. I had never once added up the idea that they were. I didn't know they existed at that point in my life. Except looking back I guess it makes sense they weren't like us when they didn't shifted because they weren't rabbits they were werewolves.

Not everyone attending decides to shift out of their human form like I have today. Using it as my advantage by not wanting to assoicate with others and this is the easiest way without having to seem like I am avoiding everyone around. Plus I haven't shifted for a while this pass summer and so why not today? Why not breathe in the air in this form and hop around freely and not be judged? I am around others just like me but at the same time I'm not.

Werewolves are present here. Not a lot but those I recognize from Isabelle's party, four from what I noticed walking around  in and outside the house. I don't know why other than my father is close friends with them and decided to invite them. I didn't ask when I'm'm not in the position to judge him.

I can't and neither will I begin to but I can question. I can think and wonder to myself after the years I have been lied to why they are here. I can come to conclusions on my own without getting answers I'm not being given.

I'm not scared of them. I'm not terrified they will do anything to me. I'm not worried but curious to why they have been hanging out at family functions all these years. Why had it been a secret for years I hadn't known? Has it always been because an agreement my father made with Isabelle's father to live peacefully with each other not bothering the other? Is there a cost to the agreement or is it simply a peaceful arrangement? And if it is peaceful why is it so hush hush for me not to know the details about?

Do I even want to know? Has asking questions ever gotten me anywhere by finding out the truth? Hasn't curiosity gotten me nowhere I want to be more than once before ?

The party is suppose to be a good fun time for everyone yet I keep finding reasons to isolate myself and not be happy. I keep choosing a life full of questions that sometimes - most times - take me down a path I don't want to go down.

Why can't I ever leave anything alone? Why can't I choose to be happy? Is it because I want there to be something wrong? Do I want to stay in the place I have stayed in these pass months because I don't think I deserve any better? Will I always feel broken? Will I always have painful memories brought up whenever I do shift because of what happened I can never forget right where I am right now?