artificial love [ kji ]

이

i wait outside and sleep on the couch, making sure there's an empty bottle of soju on the coffee table so he will suspect i slept outside because i was drunk - and therefore didn't notice him bringing the girl out. he stared at me, before sighing, thinking he was safe. that he wasn't caught. i bet on it.

when he left the house to send the girl home, i opened my eyes and threw the bottle on the floor, and it broke into pieces. shatters. i would step on them and get myself to bleed since i'm just ruining my life by being with him.

though i know better than to retreat to violence. so i release my anger out on useless things. like an empty bottle. i walk into our bedroom and pulled on the sheets, changing them. they're reeking of - i don't wanna mention it.

i fitted the new mattress in neatly before going out and taking a broom to clean the shatters of glass.

maybe i should buy a stressball or something, that'd be better.

♤

"so, where were you? i didn't see you when i came home, jongin." i lied through my drunk façade, hoping he buys this. he does.

"i was out since my friend, sehun asked for coffee." he replied swiftly, not looking up from his smartphone. i bite my lips. can't he focus on me for once?

it's always another girl.

what do they have that i don't? maybe i should stay home and spend time with him? but if i do, he'd shoo me off or shoo himself to go with other girls.

is it because i'm inexperienced in - you know? is it? but i'm not, actually. i don't even know why i'm staying with him.

it's better paying half of your bills, i guess.

♤