Poem Collection

I Am A Man.

I turn the water to hot

Slip into the shower, I was fine

But the thought creeps back in,

And makes it wonder how mum and dad didn't see the sign.

I stand under the water

Stare at the white tiles

Maybe after the thought leaves my mind

Me and my mind could reconcile.

Wash out the remnants of conditioner in my hair

And I step out,

Dry off, get dressed, and look at myself. 

And I can almost begin to doubt

That I really am a man.

I mean, it surely didn't show.

Feminine hair, feminine face, feminine body.

Tears well up before I tell myself to let go.

"You are a man." I tell my reflection, clearing from the heat.

I finish getting ready, comb in pocket, prepping to face society

I clear my throat and step outside

And immediately enters my anxiety.

No binder. Boxers and fake bulge. Hair put up and hidden away.

I try to ignore the stares on people's faces

Looks exchanged as they wonder, who the hell are they?

I wondered that too, trying to get through these spaces

I walked with my family, trying to enjoy all of this.

But then the words of hell begin to be heard.

"This is my daughter" "Be nice to aunty!" "She would like-"

I couldn't even correct them, and this was all absurd.

I squeeze from the group and find other to hang with.

Just sitting, talking, being whoever we were.

And a vibrating ping played on my phone

And I smile once I saw her

On my phone, her sweet words in the form of text.

Replaying her words from before, "And your name is Chip."

I smile as I wait for them to return to start our game

And I dream and hope for the good of this relationship.

9 PM, left the party and came home

And my mum sees my boxers, and I couldn't give a prayer

Gets angry and yells at me, "You are a woman!

What are you doing with men's underwear!"

She yells at me to cut it out 

And leaves me alone for the night

I cry out of anger and dysphoria enters back in

And I stare up and remember where I buried the knife

I clench my fists in frustration

Text Leila and lock myself away

Fighting myself to not get the knife

And see my lock screen light up and display

A text from her. Telling me it'll be okay.

And it's those nights that make me realize more.

When my mom yelled at me for using the mens room.

When my aunt heard a rumor I was trans

And I didn't know whom

I could trust. 

I am a man,

I am a man.

I am a manly man and nothing can change that.

One day, my chest will be flat.

My hair will be short

Have the right body, my own body.

But most importantly, people will begin to see.

I. Am. A. Man.

~Chip B.