The Little Mockingjay

The Weight of Living Part I: Peeta's POV

Song: The Weight of Living Part I by Bastille

I can't look at her. I can't hold her in my arms and tell her how much I love her. How deeply sorry I am for what I've done to her. I can't even give her the explanation she deserves. Katniss tells them. She tells our beautiful children the secrets we've been keeping from them their whole lives. The whole time, I sit, rendered useless. The whole time I try to force myself to glance at my precious daughter, so that maybe my eyes can tell her what my words can't. She doesn't deserve any of this. Any of what I've done to her. For the first time, I am at a loss for words. The feeling is completely new, and it only contributes to the weight that's crushing my chest. I can't find the words to say to my daughter, the one who I love so much, but I've managed to hurt to badly. I wouldn't be surprised if Katniss could never look at me the same again. Finally, the horror story comes to and end, and my children have damp cheeks. I impulsively reach out to wipe Flint's tears. He pulls me in for a hug. He's almost as tall as I am, with the same blonde curly, hair, but Katniss' Seam-gray eyes. When did he get so big? He lets me go, and I immediately force myself to look at Nadia. She has my blue eyes, but more than that. She has my genetic makeup, the DNA strands that have been so badly screwed up by what used to be the malevolent Capitol. We brought them down, but clearly not for good. I hear Katniss muttering an apology to Flint, who holds her tightly. Just as I did to Flint, I tentatively reach out and wipe Nadia's tears off of her cheeks. I'm surprised when she lets me. She sits up, and her expression looks pained, but she tries to hide it. I can't move as she wraps her frail arms around my mid section. Carefully, as to not hurt her ribs or any of her stitched skin, I pull her in to me.

"My baby girl," I whisper into her hair.

She whimpers into my chest, revealing her physical and emotional pain. I can't take it.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Nadia, this is all my fault. I wish I could fix it..."

I'm barely holding it together as more apologetic words spill from my mouth. Katniss recognizes this. She tells our children that she'll see them soon, grabs my hand, pulls Nadia and I apart from the formation that was holding us both up, and drags me from the hospital wing. I see Nadia slump back into the bed. For a second, her face sets into a sharp grimace, but the facade quickly breaks as she does, and tears spill down her rosy cheeks again. Katniss continues to lead me away until we're finally safe inside our military issued compartment.

"Peeta, don't you dare blame yourself for th-"

She doesn't get the chance to finish. I collapse into her and she sinks onto the foot of our bed. My knees hit the floor with a bang and I burry my head in her lap, trying to escape the pain, not even worrying about strength or dignity or anything else. This has hurt me in a way nothing else has ever hurt me before. I cry gasping sobs into her lap. When my body starts shaking violently, she winds her fingers into my hair. Her lips brush the top of my head as she attempts to console me.

"It's okay."

"It isn't your fault."

"We couldn't have known."

"She'll be okay."

"You'll be okay."

"We're all okay."

"I love you."

"I still love you."

"I'll always love you."

Nothing works. I can't take the pain. I can't take the pain I've caused Nadia. I can't take the pain Flint might be feeling. I can't take the pain that I know I'm causing Katniss. I push myself up with a grunt, and she watches me as a walk to the wall. I only end up bashing my head into it. Once, twice, three times.

"Peeta no!"

It's too late. I know how all to well how to do this. I've effectively knocked myself out. I feel myself falling towards the ground. Katniss is by my side, cushioning my fall, catching my head in her lap again, before I can fall completely through the earth.