The Little Mockingjay

I Wanna Get Better

Song: I Wanna Get Better by Bleachers

What do you say to someone who's lost his mother? Someone who never knew his father. Someone who's an orphan, alone in the world.

"I'm so, so sorry Finn."

That wasn't the right thing. I can still feel him sobbing, body shaking violently in my arms. Telling him that everything's okay is a cliche, and it's just flat out lying. My heart aches for him, but I don't know how to help.

"I love you," I whisper.

He sniffs a little but doesn't move.

"You what?"

His voice is small like a child's.

"I think I'm falling in love with you."

He tightens his hold on me and stops shivering.

"No you aren't."

"I might be..."

"You can't be. You can't love this."

He says it so plainly, and there's no self-pity in his voice.

"Why not?"

My voice is so quiet, so timid, I'm surprised he heard me.

"Nads, I've been with a lot of girls. But never like this. Never without the facade. With you, I feel like I've been stripped. It's like the roles are reversed. You're saving me. You're being strong for me. It's supposed to be the other way around. You can't like this. You can't love this. Now that... I'm all messed up."

I roll my eyes a little.

"Why, because I'm a girl and you’re a boy I can't be there for you? I don't mind. You've saved me too. You were always there for me. And now, when you need someone, I'm not allowed to want to help? What am I supposed to do, leave you? Finn, it hurts me to see you like this. I feel it here..."

I take his hand and place it over my heart.

"I love you," I repeat.

He doesn't say it back, but he releases his hold on me and finally looks at me head on. His eyes are bloodshot. His normally smooth face is blotchy with splotches of pale white and angry red. His chest rises and falls unevenly. He looks me up and down, then just nods. We embrace again and I feel him continue to nod into my shoulder.

"Okay," he chokes out.

I feel it again. The intense, pounding pain in my heart that spreads out in tendrils to my stomach, like it's eating me from the inside out. Is this what it feels like to be in love?

I wonder if he loves me back. He didn't say it. I wonder if he feels it. I didn't expect him to say it back. I don't expect him to say anything. And he doesn't. I don't make him. We stay put all day. No one finds us. We face a huge window and eventually, I see the sun start to set. I have the perfect view and I watch it's trajectory all the way through. I stare at it from when it's high and blazing white-yellow in the sky until it fades to a more muted orange and disappears from sight completely. When the room is black, I notice that Finn has fallen asleep on my shoulder. His breathing is deep and steady, but when I go to move, he stirs a little. I pause, not wanting to wake him, but when he settles down again I slowly push him off my shoulder and lay down with my knees curled to my chest. When I look up, Finn is awake, his face looking beautiful and traumatized in the light of the moon. I smile at him gently. He doesn't return it, but lays down next to me and wraps his arms around my waist. In a matter of minutes, he's asleep again, probably in a hurry to forget reality. But, I don't think he finds the paradise he was expecting sleep to bring him. I'm woken up when he starts tossing and turning violently, lost in a nightmare. At first I feel bad waking him, but when he starts screaming for his mom and muttering words I can't understand, my heart shatters and I shake him awake. He grabs my wrist and shoots into a sitting position, eyes flicking around.