Boys Like Boys [Nico di Angelo]

chapter nineteen

  Thanatos flew us back to the Underworld. I imagined riding on his back as we soared through the air, but it wasn't like that at all. It was more like shadow traveling, except less scary. Nico avoided looking at me, even when I tried to get his attention, and each time hurt worse than the one before.

  "Something's changed," Persephone mused, and Nico just sat Thanatos in Hades' throne as the god tried to regain his strength. He ignored her and handed him a small square of something from a baggy.

  "What was Atë talking about?" I asked, breaking the tension. Thanatos looked at me, almost as if he'd rather be anywhere else than in a room with me. Nico was giving me the same look, and insecurities and self-loathing bubbled up in me. The two people I'd like to impress would rather be somewhere else. Wonderful.

  "Your powers?" he inquired to clarify, and I nodded briskly, crossing my arms over my chest. My father's first words to me were, 'Your powers?' How lovely. I just wanted to go back to camp - no, scratch that. I wanted to go home. I wanted to go back to the way it was. Where it was just my mother and I against the world. She'd read bedtimes stories and sing lullabies in Spanish. We used to have dance parties when Bobby wasn't home. Back when everything was simpler. I didn't have a dark side, I didn't have to worry about any of this. Atë was some tale I didn't know truly existed. The gods were just a fairytale and places like this - a distant imagination.

  I wanted to go back so bad.

  "Don't," Nico suddenly cut Thanatos off as he began to speak. "He has a lot on his plate right now. We don't need more obstacles."

I'm an obstacle.

  "So I'm an obstacle, huh?" I asked, watching as Nico looked at me, before glancing to the ground. "That's all I am, that's all I ever was."

  "Calum-"

  "Stop! You were the only one I had, Nico," I seethed, feeling a lump rise in my throat. "I don't have anyone else but you, and now you're saying I'm just an obstacle?"

  "You have Percy and Leo and Jason...Connor, Travis, Alice," he listed, scowling at me. "I'll let them deal with you."

I'll let them deal with you. I'll let them deal with you. I'll let them deal with you.

  My heart shattered in my chest as the words resonated in my head. I felt sick to my stomach, tears burning my eyes, but I wouldn't let them fall. I couldn't. I was beyond angry, I was livid. He has the audacity to say that to me?! I mustered up the nastiest glare I could, shooting daggers at Nico, before turning to Persephone and Hades, thanking them for their hospitality. I walked right out of Hades' palace and I didn't look back.

  "Somnus," a voice called deeply and monotonous, causing me to turn and see my father stepping out of the palace. "You must understand the son of Hades' thought process, surely."

  "I'm afraid I don't," I snapped, feeling anger bubble up in me.
  "The display of...darkness I saw today," Thanatos trailed off. "He doesn't want you to know more of your powers simply because you're too powerful already."

  "Your first words to me were 'Your powers?' You didn't ask how I've been doing, how mama's been, how life has been," I started, feeling a few tears slip down my cheeks. I hastily wiped them away. "Where my 'I love you'? Where's my 'Sorry I haven't been an active part of your life'? Where's my 'I'm proud of you'?" I asked, my voice cracking occasionally as I kept my eyes on him.

  "That's because I don't love you, I'm not sorry about not being an active part of your life, and I'm not proud of you," Thanatos said, his words harsh, but his tone mellow and monotonous. His words stung and I felt sobs well up in my chest, but I swallowed them as more tears fell down my face. "I loved your mother. I don't anymore. I don't love you, simply because as a god, I don't know how to love a mortal. You live such short lives."

  "Then why'd you sleep with my mom? Why didn't you just kill me in the womb or kill me when I was born or...why would you let me suffer like this!" I cried, hugging myself as I dug my nails into my arms.

  "It wasn't your time."

  "You could've made it my time," I seethed, feeling the tears dry and cool on my face. "Why would you bother anyone else with my presence?"

The god of Death - my father - gave me a sad look.

"Is that really how you feel about yourself?" he inquired and I nodded, staring at the ground. "You wish to die?"

"I just want this to end. This burden, this curse..." I trailed off, sniffling as I wiped my tears away. "It's going to do nothing but hurt people. I'm just going to hurt people. If I was dead, I wouldn't have to. No one would have to worry about that."

"Your end isn't for a long time, Somnus. Embrace the opportunities you've been given. Many aren't as lucky."

I looked up at him, into the gold eyes of his that I didn't inherit. I didn't inherit anything from him except his powers - why did it have to end up like that? I'd rather have gold eyes and live a normal life than what I'm living now.

"Can you send me back to Camp Half-Blood?" I inquired and he looked towards the door, where Nico was waiting, his hands stuffed into his Aviator's jacket. He looked up, our eyes meeting. They were sad, distraught, distant. I glared at them.

Nico walked over to us and placed a hand on my shoulder, but I ripped myself from his grasp. His face fell, before he grabbed me again and we shadow traveled to Camp. Upon arrival into the cabin, Nico collapsed against me. Part of me wanted to carry him to his bed, but I remembered what all he'd said to me that day.

So I let him fall to the ground. I walked to my bed, laid down, and fell asleep.
 
(A/N: I have five other chapters saved in my drafts and I lowkey just wanna post them all tonight.)