Parts of my soul

Look

Look around you, look at all the pretty people and the pretty faces, watch them laugh and play. Laugh to yourself because you know all of them are hiding something, weather it be depression, anxiety, lies, truths, everyone is hiding something. Look at the person you know the most, the one you think that you know everything about them, look in there eyes and know deep in your heart that they are hiding something from you, but it can never be as much as you're hiding from them. Watch the person you love the most slowly slip away along with every little ounce of happiness that you've ever had drip away with it. Watch the person you care for suffer and know that it's all your fault, every last tear, every cut, every harmful word. Look at your reflection in the lake, make a face and know that you're going to kill her, she's going to die and it's all your fault, look deeper into your eyes and see the lies that you told the people you cared for, look at yourself, you're pathetic and week, you're  the reason for all of there suffering, you're the reason she's cutting tonight, you're the reason she doesn't want to live. Look at yourself, look. Do you like the mask you put on yourself? Do you like the lies you tell everyone? DO YOU LIKE THE WAY YOU SLOWLY TEAR PEOPLE APART FROM THE INSIDE? Do you like when you manipulate them into thinking that you're a good person? Do you like to rip there hearts out and stomp on them? I don't know about you but I don't. I look at myself, I start to think again. I was the one who hurt her, I made her do it, I upset her, I made her engrave lines into her beautiful thighs, I made her hurt. I think I want to die, but I look at myself and see a fake, worthless piece of shit who doesn't deserve to live anymore, I've fucked my chance at life up, I deserve to rot in the darkest part of hell. They all tell me to eat, but food is for people who deserve it, they ask me why I don't deserve it. It's like I'm peeing on a toilet made for gods. I'm nothing, I deserve to starve. I deserve a painful and slow death that'll give me what I deserve. I hurt her. I deserve to scratch the same marks into me, deeper, longer. I deserve to bleed out slowly and I deserve the scars. Still I've put on a show, act ok, fake a smile, hold back the tears, do what I have to to make it to the night. The night, the only time I can stop acting and cry and hurt, I'm so done with life, I can't help thinking that this world would be better off without me. I'm staring harshly into the water below me, it looks so comforting, I could go right then and there, I take off my socks and shoes and roll up my pants. I slip my feet into the dark water, I know it's deep, I can't see the bottom, I move my leg into the water and see if I can touch, I can't even feel see weed. I could do it. I want to so badly. Everyone would be happy that I was gone. I don't deserve a life, I hurt her. My mind slowly slips away from me as I sit there feeling more numb than I ever have. I pull up my sleeves to look at all the scars, and the new ones, I drag my fingers across the deepest. I found a carpenter blade that nobody was using and cleaned it up and used it. I slid my fingers up my arm. There's so many, and yet I still want to add more. I pull my sleeve back down and look at the water again, it would be so easy. I listen to the sounds around me, the birds chirping and I remember how everyone hides something, even birds. I'm thinking and I'm numb, in a second I'm gone, no more me. Slipped down into the water and let its sweet wetness seep into the darkest part of my soul, let it gather in my lungs as I slowly drown, watching and thinking about how I hurt her. And before I knew it the world was spinning and I was sucked into the darkness and I let it consume me. The last thing I thought was "this is it, I can't hurt anyone else"....