Finding Father

Chapter 14- Coming To Terms

Grief is weird. After the first couple days, the shock began to wear off and it was better for just a little bit. Then, after a couple weeks, it got ten times worse. No letters came from Mom. Some little things happened, like the Ravenclaw Quidditch team winning against Hufflepuff in their first match of the season, and I had to remind myself I couldn't write to tell her.

Meanwhile, Snape is practically ignoring me, but not in a rude way. It was more that he has no idea what to do or say. He sometimes glances at me nervously in class, or during meals. At the end of lessons, as I am leaving, he might make a tiny movement towards me, and then change his mind and head in the opposite direction. I don't know what to do. It'd be easier if he was my peer, and I could speak to him outright, but I can't.

Macy is doing her best to keep things light-hearted, but it gets old quickly. Sometimes, you can't just laugh everything off and ignore your problems, they're never going away until you face them. It's hard, because I don't want to ignore my issues, but I don't want to wallow in sadness and despair, either. Plus, you can't really ignore it when it's the only thing on your mind.

More than three weeks after Mums death, I'm attempting to finish some homework in the great hall before dinner, when I feel a hand on my shoulder. I glance up to see Professor Lupin.

"Hey, why don't you put away those books, and come with me," he smiles gently. "I think you need a break." I realize that I'm stiff and tense, and I just had to reread a paragraph for the fourth time because I wasn't taking in the words.

I nod at him, unable to formulate words. Slowly I close the book, shove everything into my school bag, and stand up.

"Let's go for a walk," Lupin says calmly. I sling my bag across my shoulder and follow him out of the Great Hall, and outside.

"You have a jacket?" Lupin asks, looking at me. I nod again.

We walk down onto the grounds of the school, and he starts off towards the quidditch pitch.

"May I ask how you are?" he asks me. I shrug.

"I'm okay, I suppose." He looks at me skeptically. "I am," I continue hurriedly.

"Unfortunately, I don't quite believe you. And I understand what you're going through, I promise," Lupin tells me. I look up at him, annoyed.

"What makes you think that," I say angrily, forgetting for a moment that I'm talking to a teacher. He brushes off my rude tone, and instead replies hesitantly,

"I've lost people, too, Avery. Almost everyone has. You're not alone." I scowl. I know that perfectly well, I suppose.

"My life is more complicated than just my mum dying," I say, alluding to my whole parental situation. Of course, Lupin doesn't know anything, so he just looks at me, confused.

"Again, that's true for almost anybody. But, I didn't originally plan to talk about other people. I wanted to talk about you. Find out how I can help. Okay?" he says to me.

Our walking path has angled slightly and we're now coming up on the lake. We're both quiet as we step down onto the rocky beach. I head straight for a couple boulders, and perch myself on top of one. Lupin takes a seat next to me.

"I knew your mum in school," he begins. "I think you knew that already. We were in the same year, only she was Ravenclaw and I was Gryffindor. I didn't know her well until we were both Prefects. Even before that, though, she was so kind to me. I did my best to make it up to her." He looks over at me, seeing if I'm even listening. I am, closely.

"She was one of the sweetest people I had ever known, but she had a small rebellious streak. It would come out, if you were lucky. Once she caught me and my friends setting up a prank, after we had become a prefects. Instead of telling somebody, she helped us out. Of course, those instances were rare, but she had it in her."

"Tell me more," I say quietly when he pauses. He chuckles.

"Okay. . . What else. . . She was the first in our year to pass her apparition test. She once failed a quiz because she wanted to watch a Quidditch match instead of studying. Seventh year, I missed a trip to Hogsmeade because I was, er, sick. She made sure to come back with my favorite sweets from Honeydukes." I smile. That sounds like her.

"You knew her pretty well, then, right?"

"You could say so," Lupin replies. "Better than a lot of people. She didn't have a lot of friends, but she didn't seem lonely. She was content with the few of us who took the time to get to know her. And I have to say, everyone else was missing out."

"Who were her other friends? Did you know them?" Lupin's silent for a moment, before he says,

"I did know them well. She enjoyed the company of my small group. Interestingly enough, she didn't have many Ravenclaw friends. I always got the feeling she liked us better. And my friends liked her."

"Who were your friends?" I ask curiously. Lupins face hardens, and then he speaks, with great effort,

"James Potter, and his girlfriend as of our seventh year, Lily. And then there was Peter Pettigrew, and..." His voice sounds strained. "Sirius Black."

The name cuts through me like a knife. Sirius Black. My mother was childhood friends with her murderer? Lupin was his friend too? I feel rage building up inside of me, and Lupin can see it.

"I shouldn't have said anything," he whispers. "I'm so sorry."

"You say he liked her, and he killed her?" I ask, furious. "And you, how were you his friend? He's a mass murderer!"

"Avery, calm down." Lupin looks actually on the verge of tears. "He was different in school. He was fun, and one of the nicest people you'd ever meet. He was a good person. But he changed after we graduated. I don't know what went wrong." I stare at him angrily.

"How can you defend him? Do you know what's he's done?"

"I know better than anyone," whispers Lupin, who looks physically sick. "James, Lily, Peter. All dead at his hands. In one night. That night, I wished I had died with them."

Everything with Lupin falls into place. When he said he understands me. That he's lost people. How he was the only adult to notice how different I was, and actually do something about it. He knew better than anybody else what I was going through.

"He betrayed our friends," Lupin continues. "He revealed to You-Know-Who where James and Lily were hiding. Broke the charm protecting them by doing so. Sirius hunted down Peter and killed him the same night." His voice is barely audible and he's staring at the ground. "And now Rachel..." My mother.

I'm filled with remorse. I have no reason to be angry at Lupin, or to take any of this out on him. It's not his fault. He couldn't have predicted or stopped any of this.

"I'm sorry, Professor," I say, feeling guilty and grieved. "I'm sorry I snapped at you. I'm sorry about your friends."

"I understand, Avery," says Lupin, sounding defeated. "Thank you. I know that I have a history with Sirius Black, but I'm on your side. I'm here to help you, okay?" I nod.

"Yes, sir." I'm quiet for a moment, before I think of something else. "You said James Potter, didn't you? The James Potter? As in Harry Potter?" A small smile escapes Lupin.

"Yes, James and Lily were the parents of the famous Harry Potter. James was one of my best friends in school. They died protecting their son. All the stories are true. Of course, you weren't born then, you wouldn't remember that Halloween night."

"But I know who Harry is, sir. I've heard all about how he was the only person to survive Voldemort's curse."

"Right you are. He's actually here at the school, two years above you. But don't bug him. He's modest and hates it when people ask him about all this stuff." Lupin grins wryly.

"That's to be expected. I won't, Professor."