don't forget to smile

Chapter 5

When I learned my mothers story I swore I would never fall in love. Why would I want to ? To get hurt just like her? No, I resigned myself never to love and moved off the topic.

I walked slowly into the hospital bedroom and whispered " Hello mommy, I'm here". No response, seemed normal. I arrived at her bedside but she wasn't there, 'where could she be?' I wondered. I checked all her rooms except the bathroom. "Mommy" I knocked on the door once. I jiggled the lock and it was locked. " mom can you open the door!" I said a little louder. " MOM!" I screamed. A nurse walked into the room, " Is there something wrong mam? I s she still in the bathroom I swear it has been like an hour?" The nurse fumbled with the keys and slowly turned the lock. I was hysterical, "can you go any oquicker" I asked constantly.
Finally the door opened reveling what I was dreading. My mothers lifeless body lying limply on the hospital bathroom floor. Her face was going pale and pills scattered the bathroom floor. " mom!" I rushed to her side and held her head in my lap. " HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN!!" I screamed " You should have prevented this!!!" I yelled to the nurse. "How did she get her hands on so many pills?!" I scanned the area. " she must have stopped taking her medication and stored it." The nurse dropped her head down. I cried into my mothers head " mommy" I whispered over and over till doctors released my mother from my grasped. Why did the world have to take the one thing I loved why? Why my mom? Why?

I sat in silence not bothering to acknowledge people's presence, all there "we are sorry for your loss" and " she will be missed". It's funny how people come in flocks now to grieve for my mothers death, but when she was alive no one helped her. No one saw my mothers pain. All their consolations mean nothing, oh how death changes people. I sat tears trickling down my cheeks. A figure appeared behind me, and it's familiar voice soothes me. "Your dad was convicted today all the court could give him was 10 years in prison" Mr.Kim said behind me. I stood up without a word and hugged him, my tears seeped through his shirt and stained his perfect image. " It's ok, she is ok now, I will keep you safe now" I whimpered against his chest as the minutes became hours, and as day became night.

After my mothers suicide I was placed in a foster home and was classified as depressed. At the time I was 12.
In the next several years I lived in one foster home with 2 lovely old ladies. They understood what I was feeling and didn't push me to do anything I didn't want to do. Slowly I began to get used to this life, my mother was no longer with me and I longed for the love she gave me, but besides that I was ok. I formed a good relationship with officer Kim and he totally replaced the father I never had, and most things were going ok till one afternoon.

"You will be going to live in another foster home, Cynthia" Officer Kim said. I stood in shock, " what?". " They are a lovely family with 2 kids about your age, they are very nice and have accepted you since Melissa and Pam can not care for you any longer". I sat trying to process all of this information, why did this world have to take away my happiness right as I was getting used to my life? "Is it far from here?" I said. " It is in Seoul" Mr.Kim responded looking down. " what I won't be able to see you anymore?!" I said. " no but I will come to visit you once a month and you will be happy there I promise".

I said goodbye to Mr.Kim and climbed slowly up the steps to my room. 'My last night in this house' I thought. I crawled onto my bed and wrapped the covers over my limp body. 'Mom? Why does life have to be like this?' I thought over and over."why?"