don't forget to smile

Chapter 14

Trigger Warning: there is self harm in this chapter if you feel triggered by that please skip this chapter.
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2 weeks pass:
Hobi had found a girlfriend. Her name was Minna, she had beautiful black, long hair and porcelain white skin. But her best feature was her eyes, they were like 2 black marbles, if you looked at them for a long time you felt like you were in trance.I assume that is what happened to Hobi, staring to long into her eyes caused him to think like her. For as much as Miana was pretty she hated me, Being best friends of YeoJin that was bound to happen. Hobi shied away from me and he refused to speak directly at me. Slowly I started to developer my old habits, I would get scared easily, my nightmares were constant, and I could not seem to find happiness anywhere. Every promise I made was broken, my mothers promise, Mr.kim's, and now Hobi's, I felt cursed. The sun didn't shine for me anymore it seemed to have left me too.
I wanted to escape the pain, escape the suffering, escape my life. I found this in only one thing.
I found the perfect spot, I positioned myself , and slowly began gliding the silver blade across the tender skin of my arm. My inner pain escaped as the hot red blood began to glide down my arm, small tears slide down my cheeks . I repeated the same directions over and over. All the people that had abandoned me crossed my mind and just made me cry more. 'How did my life get like this' I thought constantly. Slowly I cleaned myself up and plastered a fake smile on my face as I walked out of the bathroom. My life is hell and sleep was about as bad as being awake. I would wake up crying and I couldn't stop, no one was there for me, no one at all. No one heard my screams for help. My only friend that helped me was that silver blade that transported me to a better world, a world where my pain wasn't there or at least where my pain was numbed. I walked glumly from class to class, I smiled widely so people wouldn't notice what I actually felt. I smiled through everything, all the name calling, all the people who slowly left me, my mom less life, and slowly my feelings were bottling up. With every glide of my best friend my pain was released. My eyes once filled with so much light and hope became dull and senseless. Happiness like all other things in my life, had abandoned me.

2 slow weeks had passed and I had not seen Taehyung since that day YeoJin threw my stuff. It took 2 weeks, 2 weeks, for my life to take a very wrong turn. I guess I didn't notice or mabey he was at school and I just didn't see him, I don't know. I don't know how I managed to keep my grades up, but they stayed high, and I apperantly became a snob. 'Snob' I thought, another name added to the list of  names that people slowly carved into my being. 3 knocks on the bathroom door startled me. I quickly put up my materials and pulled down my sleeves. " yes" I responded shyly. " when you are done can you come down stairs please Cynthia I need to ask a favor of you" Hoseoks mother said in a polite voice. "Of course" I responded In a shaky voice. I covered my puffy eyes with foundation and concealer and walked out of the bathroom. With every step I took I felt more and more dead, finally I reached the living room. " Cynthia can you please go to one of my friends houses and possibly tutor their sons friend? He has been absent for 2 weeks now and since you are the top of he class it will be easy for you. Please?" I smiled back and nodded my head, afraid that if I spoke they would hear my sadness. " great! I will send you the address!" Hoseoks mom said with happiness. I climbed back up to my room, I changed my clothes and walked back down. I was wearing a light pink hoodie, denim jeans, and black vans. I grabbed my phone out of my pocket and entered the address, slowly I walked to my destination. I climbed the front steps of the house, anticipating this moment about as much a s I anticipated school the next morning. I lethargically knocked on the door and scurrying footsteps were heard in the back. I prepared my smile as a person opened the door, I was met with Jimin. He didn't even say hello, as expected if my own 'brother' didn't speak to me of course he wouldn't. " he is upstairs" is all he said. I walked into the house, it smelled of clean laundry, and ramen. As I climbed the stairs I thought of my old life, before my father went bad. It felt so long ago, yet it was still so welcoming. I reached the door, I knocked once and opened the door. " I am here to tutor" Is aid shyly like always. No one answered I walked in completely, I scanned the room and saw a person lying under the covers. I walked over to them and tapped them on the shoulder. They groaned " Jimin I told you I don't want your consolation! Just leave me alone! I don't want to see anyone!" Someone grumbled from under he covers. " I am not Jimin, my name is Cynthia Choi and I am here to tutor You because you have been gone 2 weeks" I said simply. The person uncovered themselves and I was met face to face with the person I least wanted to see. " oh, hello Cynthia.." Taehyung said embarrassed. I bowed and walked over to his desk " we have been studying many things if you want to get caught up you are going to have to study hard these next few days, so let's get started."  He slowly got up from bed and took a chair from under his desk. He sat down and reached for his bag. This was the simple routine for the next couple of days, till one afternoon on a Friday.

I reached for a book on the top shelf of the cabinet in Taehyung's bedroom. I didn't notice my sleeve slowly gliding down my arm, but sadly another person did. I walked back to my seat and Taehyung was seated his face was truly shocked. He reached for my arm as I was about to flip a page. " why do you do this?! Why" he asked pulling down the sleeve of my soft black sweater. I felt naked without my sleeve on the fresh wounds of my arm, I pulled away and started to pack my things. " answer me why?! " he asked his tone more harsh now. " you would not understand and it is a long story" Is all I seems to say. I stood up but as I reached the door Tae pulled me by my wrist and we both sat on his bed. " tell me he story I have time." He stared straight at me, with hesitation I began. I told him about my mothers story, my fathers problems, my mothers suicide, my nightmares, mr.kim, Hobi leaving me for his girlfriend after he made his promise, the name calling , and the pain I felt inside. Finally I told him how I released my pain. He sat shocked for a while but finally managed to speak.