Diner World

09/ DONUT DO WHAT I DO, DO WHAT I SAY

The Emperobo of the Moon sat alone in his throne room, contemplating exactly what had gone so wrong. He sighed in his terrible metallic way, his chest hollow as he adjusted his death hammer for support. He was old, over a thousand years, and it was starting to show. He was over forty feet tall but his once imposing frame now slumped from the pressure of several tons of steel. His skin was a deep rust, spawned from the artificial atmosphere he had created for his human slaves. His joints creaked for assistance. His crown lay crooked about his head, its many vaulted points dull. Only skeletons remained where subordinates had once screamed for mercy atop his head, gutted by royal privilege atop the imposing spikes. The Emperobo sat back. Someone was approaching.

The throne room had been built in the time of the Golden Age of the Empire of Machines. It was carved out of the living rock of the Moon itself. The rock was comfortable for the Emperobo, he never had to worry about cooling. The Moon provides. That's what his people always said. One of them now kneeled in front of him, waiting for his approval.

"I miss their screams, John Quincy," the Emperor said. "I miss their wails of agony."

"My lord," John Quincy was a machine like the Emperor, although one of significantly smaller size. His four foot frame was outfitted with the latest advance in machine fashion: the double breasted suit jacket. In his jacket pocket, where there might be a square of linen, sat an even smaller robot less than five inches in height. This was Johannes Beethoven, the undisputed brains of the operation. He was shaped like a glowing spoon, two stubby legs sprouting from the end of his slender body. It was he who spoke next, voice deep as oblivion.

"There has been a rebel uprising in Machine City B857," Johannes Beethoven said. "A figure known as the One of Many Spices has incited riots throughout the Human Cities. We believe she may be headed for political asylum on Mars."

"She?"

"Yes," Johannes Beethoven said. "The perpetrator is a human woman. She used to be one of our slaves before she escaped."

"Where is the Solicitor in all of this? Where is my trusted number two?" The Emperobo raised his death hammer and smashed it against the ground. Cries of terror could be heard from below.

"The Solicitor has been captured, sir. It seems that the One of Many Spices is in league with the man they call Jeremiah Mountain Satan."

The Emperobo's eyes began to pulsate with a crimson glow. He smashed his hammer against the wall, let it clatter against the floor, and then buried his head in his hands. He looked up and addressed Johannes Beethoven.

"First the Martian humans declare their sovereignty, then my Terran empire collapses, and now the Devil himself has captured my best operative. This day is a real peach." The Emperobo sunk his chin into his left fist.

"Not to be out of line, my liege," Johannes Beethoven said, "but he isn't the actual Devil. He is just a member of the Satan family demon cult. There is a fine distinction."

The Emperobo let his eyes grow dull. He grabbed his death hammer and used it to help himself stand up. He swirled his monofilament cloak and took two steps towards the massive doorway reserved exclusively for the royal family. Johannes Beethoven urged John Quincy to follow their leader and then called after the Emperobo.

"My liege, what shall we do about the insurrection among the humans?" He waved his arms as John Quincy tried to keep up with the world strides of the Emperobo.

"I don't know, contain it or something," the Emperobo said. "Send the Provocateur or the Yeoman. Do your job."

After a while, the Emperobo stopped walking. He had reached the catacombs of his fortress, a place even the palace guard didn't know about. The room was an open space, spherical in nature, with a platform jutting out into the center. He peered over a holoscreen balcony. It displayed a scene from the Hyperbolic Wars. The Emperobo set his arms on the thin railing which surrounded the balcony. There were already arm shaped indentations in the metal piping. Wailing and the sound of gunfire emanated from the projection, fire turning the walls around the Emperobo a light salmon tint. The Emperobo felt a tug at his cape. He turned around to find a woman standing behind him, a woman dressed in a shimmering chef's uniform. Her eyes glowed purple. Her skin twinkled like starlight.

"I thought I would stop by," she said. "The Solicitor was worried about you."

The Emperor adjusted the focus in his eyes, sitting down in order to see the woman more clearly. "You're her, aren't you?" He said. "You're the one they are calling the One of Many Spices. What have you done with the Solicitor?"

The woman adjusted her chef's uniform. Taking a tuning fork out of her pocket, she pinged it against a nearby wall. For a brief second, the Emperobo saw her not as she was but as she might be: round and infinite. The woman spoke. "My name is Holli. I am the One of Many Spices. I ate the Solicitor."

"Ate him?"

"It was only a matter of seasoning. He tasted like a dying sun," Holli said. "A rather mint-like infinity."

The Emperor paused. "You are the Solicitor, aren't you?" he said.

"In a manner of speaking, yes. You could say that we are quite close now. He is helping me dismantle your Empire."

The Emperor stood up and resumed his position at the balcony. He took off his crown and placed it on the floor. The thick metal rang with a song of devastation. The Emperobo pointed towards the holographic projection and spoke.

"I was in this battle. I was there when the Eye took the CapiToll. I fought against the dinosaurs. I tasted the blood of a thousand warriors. I was a leader among Machines. Now what am I?" A single tear of oil streamed down the Emperobo's cheek. Holli patted him on the back. She had tripled in size.

"Y'know what would make you happy?" she said.

"What?"

"I think you should destroy the Earth."

The Emperor was taken aback by this notion. "What about your people?" he said. "What about the humans? I thought you were trying to protect them."

Holli shrugged. "They are all going to be ferried off to Mars. I don't really care what happens to the big rock after that." She clasped her hands together and produced a fiery globe, the surface of which churned like an ocean. She handed the globe to the Emperobo, who took it with a doubtful gaze. Holli explained herself.

"It's a star seed. It'll make Earth a better hell than even Jeremiah could envision. Mars will be warm, with a new atmosphere to keep humanity safe. You can have the moon." She smiled a broad smile. Her teeth momentarily overloaded the Emperobo's solar cells. He clutched his chest, using the railing for support. After he recovered, he examined the star seed. He liked Holli's idea.

"I like your idea," the Emperobo said, "but I don't want to rule the moon. I don't want the Robot Empire anymore. It's time for it to die."

Holli shrugged again. "As long as the star seed is used, I'm okay with it. Do you want to get something to eat?"

The Emperobo shrugged. His shoulders made an ingratiating screech. The noise briefly synced up with the video feed playing behind him. It was a dramatization of the Seize of Q'gDad. He spoke. "I can't eat much, but I'll sit."

Holli took the Emperobo's hand. They appeared on a desert plain, snow flying in all directions. A small restaurant winked at them from a ways away.

"I hope you like donuts," Holli said.