Lavender- A MerDer fanfiction

I cant remember our last kiss.

I walk down the stairs to find him standing in my foyer. Derek.  He is standing there looking at me with those eyes that I love so much and I wish I could tell him all of the things that are on my mind. I want to tell him that I almost died today and that it made me realize so much. I want to tell him how much I love him and how much I hate that he is with his wife and not with me.

"Hey" I softly say, instead of all of the things I want to.

"Hey" he breathes.

We simply stare at each other for what seems like hours but couldn't be more than a few seconds.

"you almost died today" he states, as if it was just a random fact.

"Yeah, I almost died today" I concede.

He looks at me as if he has so much more he has to say. However instead of saying it, he turns and heads for the door. He is halfway through the door when I get the nerve to speak up.

"I can't.." I begin almost losing my resolve "I can't remember our last kiss."

He steps back inside looking at me wonderingly.

"All I could think about is I'm gonna die today and I cant remember our last kiss. Which is pathetic but the last time we were together and happy I want to be able to remember that and I cant" I finish musingly.

"I cant remember." I say one more time, more to myself than to Derek.

"I'm glad you didn't die today" he responds. turning and leaving.

I cast my gaze to the floor, I cant bear to watch him leave me one more time. I turn to head up the stairs. Up the stairs to the bed where I sleep alone.

"It was a Thursday morning" his voice stops me in my tracks but I keep my back facing him.

"You were wearing that ratty little Dartmouth t-shirt that you look so good in, the one with the whole in the back of the neck" he reminisces, I can almost hear the smile in his voice.

"You had just washed your hair and you smelled like some kind of flower, I was running late for surgery, you said you were gonna see me later. Then you leaned to me, you put your hand on my chest, and you kissed me. Soft, it was quick kinda like a habit, you know like we would it for the rest of our lives. You went back to reading the news paper and I went to work. That was the last time we kissed" he finishes his voice laced with regret.

"Lavender" I remark turning to see him almost all the way out the door. " My hair smelled like lavender from my conditioner."

He is now once again half way out the door, half way in, and I wish that he would just come inside.

"Lavender" he repeats reverently as he turns and leaves my house. Shutting the door behind him.

He closes the door, leaving my house, leaving me. He leaves and goes back to his wife like the good man he is. I find myself wishing that he wasn't as good of a man. That he would come inside. That he would choose me. But he doesn't, because Derek Shepherd is a good man. So I turn and walk up the stairs, past the rooms of my friends and into the room that used to  belong to my mother. I kick of my pants, pull off my red sweater and decide to take a relaxing shower.

I hop in and just let the warm water envelope me. For me there are only two places where pain and sadness no longer exist, the O.R. and the shower. Seeing as though I am unable to be in an O.R. a shower is the next best thing. I let the water wash away all the damage of the day. I find myself letting go of all the guilt that I feel for the death of Dylan Young, the bomb squad officer who saved my life today. I let it rid me of all the heartbreak I feel over Derek, a man who I once thought was mine, but who really already belonged to someone else. I lather my blonde hair with shampoo and wish that it was Derek's fingers running through it and not my own. I wash it out and squirt some conditioner in my hand, suddenly struck with the smell of lavender. As I work the conditioner through my hands I find myself wondering if Derek would have stayed had I asked him too. As I step out of the shower and dry my self off I realize that it doesn't matter, because I never asked. I pull on a pair of dark blue sweats and that ratty Dartmouth t-shirt with the hole in the back of the neck that Derek thinks I look so good in. I pull back the bedcover and climb into the bed, where I now sleep alone.