The Frank Fic

He Never Saw The Marching Band

13 Years Ago...

Young Frank sat alone in his room, crying as he knew the marching band was playing in the city again. That was the ninth year his father had failed to take him, and he was only nine! Of course he would be upset.

"It's for your own good, I promise," his father told him,"Trust me. No son of mine will be an emo. At least, not this young."

Frank couldn't have cared less what his father said. He just wanted to see Gee and the rest of the marching band squad parade their homosexuality throughout the big city. So, he just ignored his father as he laid face first in the pillow. Finally, his dad took a hint, leaving him in his room.

He sulked alone for hours until a swift wind chilled him from his window. He got up to close it only to be stunned to fine a towering, green man.

"What the--"Frank attempted to say, but the the green man put his finger to his lips.

"Shhhh, lad," the green man said,"Your sadness is all ogre now. Just lay back on your stomach again, and let me make you forget all about the band."

"How are you going to do that?" Frank asked.

"With my oniony happy juice. Now, pipe down, and let me do this."

Frank complied, unsure of what else to do. He soon felt those green hands on his hips, and was curious as to what the heck he was doing. Soon, a sharp pain seared through poor Frank's butthole. He looked back to find Shrek's long, green pole thing in his own butt. He thought it was odd as he pulled it in and out, but he didn't mind it. In fact, he liked it.

Actually, he loved it.

He moaned as the green man filled him up with his love, forgetting all about the marching band parade. It lasted a good five minutes, although he wished it was longer. Just as the man filled him with his oniony juices, his father walked in.

"What the fuck?" Frank's father asked.

"Yes! Tis I, Shrek! And I have fucked your son. Don't worry. It's all ogre!" Shrek yelled as he soared out the window. Before he flew off, he looked back to me and said,"For now at least."

And with his widened anus and his father, Frank knew that, one day, he had to find his ogre daddy again and become his ogress...

Present day...

Frank buttoned up his fly as he cleaned off Patrick's fedora from his own anal juices. "It's okay," he thought,"Tyler and Josh will help later once Josh quits putting the traffic cone in his mouth. After all, he has no gag reflex. He can lick it up." He scrubbed off all of the remnants of the wild night before before leaving it on Patrick's desk and heading to his car.

It was only around three in the afternoon, and he was finally free of Patrick's daily kink session with the guys. He hopped into his tiny, green car, sighing as he thought of the man---or ogre---he once knew. He thought of him every time he saw his green car, and it often made him question why he'd bought his car in green in the first place. Still, it got him to his kink sessions, it got him to the fedora dry cleaners and back on the occasions when his ass would tear, and it got him home.

That's all that one could ask of a tiny, green car, right?

Anyway, Frank drove home quickly seeing as his anus was still sore from the two o'clock fedora fisting the boss had scheduled in last minute, but quickly wasn't quick enough. He moaned in agony as he hit every possible red light and waited at every Pepe crossing. What should have been such a short trip ended up being an hour long, and boy, he hated it!

"One day, I'll never have to work again," he muttered to himself,"I'll never have to put my poor anus through the wringer again! I'll find my ogre Prince, and everything will be okay!"

"Frank, are you still talking to yourself?" his neighbor, Pepe Pepe, called from the fence.

"Piss off, peasant frog," Frank muttered as he walked up his driveway.

"Fine. I was going to help you find Shrek, but I guess you don't want to be the ogre princess after all," Pepe chuckled.

Frank froze. "He knows about my one true love? How?" he asked himself. He quickly made his way to the fence, behind which Pepe still stood peering over at him.

"How do you know about him?" Frank asked suspiciously.

"Oh, Frank, my boy, I know everything about you," Pepe sneered as he popped another Dorito in his mouth, washing it down with Mountain Dew. Frank tried to clear his thoughts as he stood there in confusion, but Pepe's doge wouldn't shut up. It was driving him insane.

"W-what? How? How do you know?" Frank stammered.

"If I tell you now, there is no going back," Pepe warned,"Are you sure?"

"Yes, sir. I'm sure,"Frank said quickly, nodding profusely.

"It'll cost you," Pepe warned.

"I'll pay anything! Just--help me find him. Tell me what you know!" Frank demanded.

Pepe smirked, his frog eyes squinting with mischievous pleasure.

"Come over, my young boy. Come over, and we can talk," Pepe said with a smirk still plastered to his face.

Frank hopped the fence, instantly greeted by a naked Pepe and a bunch of fedoras. "Not again!" Frank whined in his own head, but he didn't dare say it aloud. Instead, he just pulled his pants down and bent over.

"What the fuck?" Pepe asked,"Jesus, that's a wide asshole---pull your pants up! I was only offering you a fedora. They're keys to special rooms. What kind of fucked up kinky shit are you into?"

"Oh, fuck," Frank laughed awkwardly as he pulled his pants back up,"Sorry."

"Frank, I'm part of the illuminati. I'm not into prostitution. Save that for the initiation," Pepe finally laughed.

"You want me to join the illuminati?" Frank asked.

"Yes. What do you say?" he asked.

"As long as you help me find my Sherk--"

"Which we will," Pepe interrupted.

"Then I'm in," Frank smiled.

"Great. Let's introduce you to the team," Pepe smirked.

And with that, Frank followed the odd frog meme man thing to his basement where he was told to wait until the others arrived. He was obviously nervous. After all, he'd finally get to meet his idol again, but at the same time, he was joining the illuminati. That's a pretty odd day, right?

Still he waited in the cold, dark, and damp basement full of abandoned memes, hoping for the best...