Poetry Or Words

AN Or something

I don't feel anything right now ...
Once again my stepdad has been drinking...
He makes me very uncomfortable...
When he's drunk he makes me feel very frivolous with his words and his demeanor..
Is that feeling something?
I feel like a brain dead zombie ..
Is that depression? ..
He tells me all the things he thinks about me..
Like he's looking down upon me..
It used to make me feel Angry, Sad, misunderstood and I would always wonder if his words are true.. The things he says about me... I don't want to be this way.. So I try and change but how am I supposed to change something of myself if I dont see it.. If I dont understand it.. If I dont know I'm doing it... He used to make me question my whole being... It used to make me feel miserable but now .. I feel nothing.. I wonder is it okay for me to feel nothing.. Just now I thought back to a quote I once heard... ( In order to hurt someone.. They must care ) ... Now I wonder if I care at all.. I will spend along time dwelling on the situation.. Thinking it over.. What did I do wrong?.. What happened to him to make him this way?.. Does he want me to hurt? .. Is he hurting?.. So many questions gone unanswered though I'm sure if I asked him.. He would tell me but I wouldn't know what to say to him.. Somehow that makes me feel selfish for not trying to better understand him but I feel that if I do.. I will get to close and he will burn me again with his scalding words marking me forever misunderstood and broken.. How to fix something.. I don't know how to fix.. Maybe it's not for me to fix.. Maybe it cannot be fixed at all.. Somehow that makes me want to cry.. Hm.. Maybe it's  adrenaline.. I can smell the liquor on his breath.. I know the smell to well.. Feelings rush through my being feelings that even I cannot understand and then nothing it's gone .. Im a empty shell.. Though I know deep inside this will last for long but when I come down from it  they will all rush back.. Like im preparing myself for battle leaving all my feelings deep inside where my heart lays.. I will gaurd my soul for safekeeping because if not I surely won't make it through..